3 Continents... 1 Family

Ben's 8th B-Day!

2011-09-12T22:12:00.000-05:00

Ben.

My second son.

The more serious one.

The one who likes things to be "just so."

The one with the infectious laugh.

The one who is a whiz at math.

And the one who inherited all the Scandinavian genes, apparently!

He's the one who turned EIGHT in August!

We put this on his invitations:

"Ben is turning EIGHT

and I know that he can't WAIT

for you to help him CELEBRATE

so come and swim at SUNGATE!"

Helping to make the "Pool Cake"- same as last year as per his request!

Charlie- protecting the candles from the breeze!

"Get this photo over with so I can eat cake and SWIM!"

Love this boy.

Feel honored to be his Mommy.

Getaway

2011-09-10T14:17:00.000-05:00

At the end of July I went to Florida

w/ 3 girlfriends and no children.

It was glorious.

The Blue Hole

2011-09-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

Mini-Vacay to The Blue Hole. So FUN!!!

On Ben's 8th B-day!!! Look at my handsome 8 year old... :-)

HAD to try a "fried pickle." Apparently it's what the Blue Hole is known for.

The verdict!

Somebody (with a mouth full of fried pickles) loves her Daddy.

Jumping off the cliff

Geronimo!!!

Trying to strike the flint rocks they found

Synchronized Diving

2011-09-08T19:51:00.001-05:00

Where are the Olympics being held in 2022?

'Cause I think I've got an entry...

Really, really weird

2011-09-05T09:40:00.000-05:00

Underwear. On their heads. Holes cut for eyes.

I have no explanation for what my sons are doing in these pix.

Other than: they are really, really weird.

Summer '11: Ahhhhh, June.

2011-09-04T19:09:00.000-05:00

I love June. I really love Summer, but it just gets so ridiculously hot later in the Summer here that it makes me really appreciate June. Lazy, outside mornings, fun outside afternoons doing activities that won't be available later due to the freakish heat...

June is a lovely song with a fun, catchy beat. ;-)

Jack at a Webelos Weekend. Next year he'll be a BOY SCOUT.
Isn't he the handsomest???

I think the following pictures speak for themselves.

We took a fun little trip to OKC and went to the Science Museum. SUCH a fun day!

Ahhhhh... June...

Memorial Day

2011-09-03T14:40:00.001-05:00

You *might* think that the memorial day I am referring to would be the 10th anniversary of 9/11. But no. I'm referring to the Memorial Day back in May. 'Cause that's how long it's been since I've blogged! PATHETIC!!!

I have so much catching up to do. I know I'll probably just end up writing a few general posts about the WHOLE SUMMER and call it good, but I am determined to at least get this summer recorded so that the next time I have my blog printed into a book, there won't be a gaping hole from May - September.

We *did* have such a great summer. 10, 7, and 4 are great ages. We were able to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted b/c no one needed an afternoon nap. Everyone could swim (more on that later) and everyone could enjoy the same movies. I know soon we will be headed into ages where this won't hold true, so for this summer I just really soaked it up and enjoyed every minute of my kids enjoying the same activities and enjoying each other.

And we kicked it all off by participating in the taking down of the flags at the "Avenue of Flags" at Floral Haven on Memorial Day. And here are the pix to prove it.

More Summer catch-up coming soon!

Boo on Kung Fu :-(

2011-05-30T22:23:00.004-05:00

I know it's been forever since I've blogged. All my good reasons and all the catching up will have to wait for a bit because today my family went to see Kung Fu Panda 2... and I am so disappointed.

Last summer we watched our DVD of Kung Fu Panda and I was reminded of everything that was dear and enchanting about it. In fact I was so inspired that I blogged my appreciation of the movie. I wrote at the time how I really thought it was beautiful how they didn't feel the need to make a big deal out of the fact that Po is (obviously) adopted- the filmmakers just treated it like it was normal! And that was beautiful to me. I sang the praises of this adorable and even inspirational film that not only normalized adoptive families but offered us the inspirational theme "there is no secret ingredient"- meaning we already have all we need to do the things we need to do. Here's what I wrote a year ago:

"What really moved me about this movie this time around was the way they handled the Panda's adoption. It's obvious from very early on in the movie that Jack Black's character (Po) is adopted- his father is a Goose, for heaven's sake. But they don't make a big deal about it. They never tell us the story of how Po got to be in a goose family, but yet we see them as a family for sure. It's not treated as unusual at all. None of the other characters act like it's weird for a goose to parent a panda- it's just accepted! Beautiful. And just when we think that Papa Goose is going to tell the Po some version of, "You aren't really my son..." he doesn't! Instead he tells him the secret of the famous noodle soup! Which leads us all to believe that there is a great understanding between them of how they became a family, and maybe it is none of our business. We get to assume that no matter how Po got into this family, his is IN this family. That goose is his DAD and a proud Dad he is!"

So I didn't hesitate when my boys wanted to go see the sequel. In fact, we made a big deal out of the fact that this would be Avé's very first time to go see a movie in the theatre! Last summer she just didn't know enough English to sit through a movie, but now that she's ready we thought this would be a fun first experience.

How disappointing.

Now, of course I realize that this movie is a CARTOON and therefore perhaps you think it's not to be taken too seriously. But I beg to differ. I truly enjoy *good* animation. WALL-E was one of the best movies I have ever seen- animated or not. Any film, like any good piece of art, has the chance to speak to our culture- either to reflect it or to portray it in it's best or worst light. And when a movie has children as its primary audience it needs to be especially careful in the messages it sends.

If you haven't seen the movie yet, please know that everything I write from here on will be a spoiler. I'm not going to give away anything big about the plot- truthfully I was so irritated and distracted by the way they treated adoption that I didn't really get into the plot.

The first big disappointment came when we discover that Po doesn't know that he's adopted. Really?!?! Really. He's a panda... being raised by a goose. But he never knew he was adopted??? That would be like Avé, my gorgeous black daughter being deceived into thinking she was biologically mine. Not only would that be ridiculous, but it would involve everyone around her LIVING A LIE. The thing that I loved the MOST about the first movie turns out to be not true. I thought this family was just so okay with being an adoptive fam that they didn't even need to make it the focus of the movie! Well... I was wrong.

And then... the second big disappointment came in the way that the goose-Dad reveals to Po that he is adopted. His face and his voice are filled with such shame and embarrassment. Adoption isn't anything to be ashamed of!!! Yes, the roots of adoption are sad and always based in the loss of a first family... but that doesn't mean that an adopted child nor an adoptive family need to be embarrassed!!!! Adoption is also beautiful and redeeming! NOT something to hide from. Adopted children and adoptive families are not "less than." I hate that the movie treated it this way.

Perhaps the BIGGEST disappointment came when Po told his friends that the goose isn't his "REAL" dad. And yes... that's the language the film used. If this film hadn't already been in my bad books this in and of itself would have been a deal breaker. Unacceptable, DreamWorks. Just completely ignorant. DreamWorks script writers obviously did NO research into adoption; obviously spoke to NO adoption experts to find out how using that language would feel to adopted kids and adoptive families.

I have been asked by Avé's peers and other little kids, "where is her REAL mom?" and I answer in the way that I've learned by reading about other adoptive families' experiences by saying, "Oh, you must mean her Ethiopian mom..." or "...her first mom..." I'm so totally fine with answering questions like these that arise from legitimate curiosity. I'm all for normalizing adoption for my daughter and for all those she comes into contact with. It's obvious to anyone who sees us that I am not her first mother, and answering the question in the way I do validates both Mama Meselesh AND me AND normalizes her adoption. ...But I expect more from a company like DreamWorks. I mean... REALLY. Did they not talk to ONE adoptive family while writing that script??? I may not be my daughter's first mother, but am I not my daughter's REAL mother??? Am I a hologram???? How am I not real??? And for my daughter to HEAR THIS SENTIMENT SPOKEN WITH SUCH VALIDATION ON A BIG MOVIE SCREEN... UNACCEPTABLE!!!

And it didn't get better from there. When he goes off to discover his roots his "not REAL" Dad acts like this is the end of the world. He acts like a truly insecure adoptive parent; like Po can either be one of two things:
1. He can belong to the goose dad and not know he's adopted
OR
2. He can know he's adopted and really belong to his first family.

I think most adoptive families ENCOURAGE our kids to be in touch w/ their cultural and biological roots! The fact is, my daughter has two absolutely legitimate families- her first, biological, Ethiopian family- and her second, adoptive, American family. And we aren't going to ask her to choose between us. She is BOTH. And we celebrate that.

You know. 'Cause it's the year 2011. Not 1950.

Later on in the movie there is a warm-hearted moment between Po and the sheep sooth-sayer person where she tells him that he is part of both worlds, and in the end there is a sweet moment between Po and his goose-Dad. But it gets ruined when he tells the goose-Dad that "the past doesn't matter." UGH. Of COURSE it matters!!!! You don't have to invalidate one family to legitimize the other!!!

Luckily Avé was a bit scared by the darkness and the big screen and the volume and asked to go to the bathroom several times. I also took her with me to get a refill on the popcorn and then later on the drinks. So she missed a lot of the movie. AND she's 4 1/2 so a lot of it just went over her head. I prompted a few conversations w/ her throughout the day to see if anything had crept up that she wanted to talk about, but I really don't think any of the movie sunk in at all. And I'm fine with that.

What a great opportunity this could have been for DreamWorks to portray all the different and beautiful ways we can become family! What a great opportunity to normalize adoption and educate kids all over the world about it. What a great opportunity to make adopted kids and adoptive families feel special and in the spotlight! But, No. That is NOT what happened. This could have been such a beautiful way to help everyone to see what adoption is REALLY like: sad and happy at the same time; finding identity and yet having to search to find your roots; accepting that some pretty crappy things got you to this place, and yet this place is sweet and good and has it's own redemption; belonging to two very REAL families at the same time; beauty and heartache all intermingled... It could have been so much more than it was.

Angelina Jolie said in an interview that she was really nervous for her kids to see the movie... and I thought, "then why didn't you say something about how that script was written???

Disappointing that in 2011 we find that most of the world (or at least Hollywood) (or at least DreamWorks) still thinks of adoption as shameful and less than. It made me really sad.

Favorite. Easter. Ever.

2011-04-24T23:11:00.001-05:00

The weather was bad. Rain (even HAIL!) all day long. Grey skies, wet streets, no cute pix of the kids by our spring flowers. Mad dashes into the church made more difficult by the fact that Avé was convinced she was wearing rain boots (why wasn't she??? her parents totally should have thought of that) and jumped into several puddles in the church parking lot. Church full of slippery floors and dripping umbrellas. But nothing, NOTHING could put a damper on this day for me.

You see, both my sons were baptized this morning.
Easter Morning. It was wonderful.

So wonderful that I really don't even have words to describe it.
So I won't even try.

My heart is full. So very full. And I'm so grateful.

Life isn't easy. But it's beautiful.

And they were baptized by Uncle Gyle. Even more special.

And her hair just looked like a little Easter Nest of love. ;-)

"Easter Hair" Practice

2011-04-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

We are on our 4th round of yarn braids and we are loving them! So cute, so much variety, and so easy (once you get them in.) ;-) This last round only took me 4 hours- as opposed to 6 hours back on New Year's Eve. I bragged to my best friend that I did her hair in "just" 4 hours, and Kelly said, "...Ummm... I think you need a perspective check. That's still a really long time." True... but now we won't have to "do" her hair for at least 2-4 weeks! So the time investment up front is worth it.

We have been playing around w/ the braids to see what we want to do for Easter. I think we've settled on this style which Ben has named "The Crown."

Very fitting for an Ethiopian Princess, don't you think???

I think on Sunday I will try to get the "crown" to sit a little further forward on her head, and try to make the twists a little tighter in back. But other than that, this is a very quick and easy style and we all think she looks like Royalty!!!

The "Good Advice / Bad Advice" Podcast

2011-04-18T17:28:00.000-05:00

I was all for calling Episode 6 our "Return of the Jedi" episode, but that didn't fly w/ my co- hosts. ;-) Instead Kaysie named it "Gayla Wise." You'll have to listen in to see why, but rest assured ~~that title totally fits~~ it's not because I'm actually wise. More because of a certain baby-rearing book that I really, really, really, really disliked and which Kaysie didn't quite feel so strongly about. WE HAD WORDS, PEOPLE! Okay, so not a cat-fight per-se, but I do believe that Kaysie "shushed" me at one point and that Kelly looked away and said, "Oh, here we go" more than once. ;-) I love these girls and we are having a blast making this podcast... even if we don't always agree!!!!

Oh, and you can also subscribe on iTunes and each new episode will automatically download for you, and if you want to connect on Facebook you can find us by searching for "Three Moms and a Podcast." Join our FB group and then you can add your two cents to our discussions. Great to listen to while you fold laundry or run errands in the car! Believe me when I tell you that between the three of us and our varied opinions and experiences you will find yourself feeling very, very NORMAL. ;-)

Spriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

I love Spring. It's my absolute favorite season for so many reasons. I hate winter. Maybe up north or in Colorado it's amazing, but here it's just dull grey skies, dull grey ground, dull grey trees, dull grey days. And then suddenly... the tulips and daffodils and hyacinths poke up their heads... and then those tulip trees (don't know real name) put on their incredible flowers... and then the pear trees start to bloom... and then the gorgeous redbuds... and then the dogwoods start putting on their show... it's just AMAZING!!! It makes my heart so happy. And we still have the azaleas to look forward to! I LOVE SPRING.

HOME for a year...

2011-03-25T08:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked our arrival in America!

(BTW, this is the ONLY photo I have of our arrival. I think there were at least 4 people shooting video, and in the videos I can see and hear a camera flashing... but so far no one seems to know who was taking those pix and no one has sent me any except this one. :-( Guess I should have planned better and asked certain people to take pix. And... if you are reading this and you are the person who was taking pix at the airport... please, oh please, oh please send them to me!!!!!)

She was SUCH a little, teeny girl last year at this time! In this past year she has grown THREE sizes in both clothes and shoes! And her little face... no longer the baby face she had when we first met her. As she likes to remind anyone who suggests otherwise, she's a BIG GIRL now.

Readoption Day!!!

2011-03-18T22:25:00.002-05:00

Today was our day in court- the day when the Judge would slam his gavel and declare what we have already known for a year now- we are a FAMILY.

Yesterday I got a call from the Judge's secretary saying that a copy of some of our ET paperwork was missing from our file- I should have submitted in with the rest back in February, but she thought it would be okay for me to bring it tomorrow. But still... THE PANIC BEGAN!!! To be honest, I'm still not really sure what piece of info they specifically wanted, so I just copied EVERY! SINGLE! PAPER! that we received in Ethiopia just to be sure. We were filing Pro Se (no lawyer) and so I was extremely nervous about whether or not I had done it all correctly.

Then last night I noticed that there was one piece of documentation that I had totally overlooked. MORE PANIC!!! AND... it had to be notarized before we turned it in!!! Geesh. So needless to say I was a bit worked up about this appointment w/ the Judge.

I may have never had cause to mention this on my blog before... but I hate being late. I mean... I'm using the word HATE here. I would say that even the thought of being late makes me a bit manic. I tense up and start to think frenzied thoughts. My mind starts racing with all the "what if's...." and NONE of the scenarios I play out have positive outcomes. Irrational... I know. But there you go. I'm irrational. So thinking about the fact that I had to:
1. Go to the bank and get that document notarized AND...
2. Navigate parking downtown during the NCAA tournament taking place AND...
3. Turn the notarized document and the ET copies into the probate desk and get them filed AND...
4. STILL be on time for our 1:30 appointment w/ the Judge AND...
5. Hope that I had filled out all the paperwork correctly...
...well... it all made me a bit, shall we say... unbalanced.

And so I told Mick we had to leave home EARLY.
Because those notaries? They can be quick or slow.
And the parking? A complete unknown.
And the probate desk? I waited 40 minutes to file docs in Feb.
And who knows what happens if you are late for your court appointment!!! NO IDEA!!! But it can't be good!!!
So we left home to accomplish all these tasks... a full 2 hours before our appointment.

See? Irrational. BUT! that made me feel better b/c w/ all those unknowns I was feeling really edgy. And knowing that I had allowed for the maximum time each event might take was very calming to me.

And so what happened???
Notary took 5 minutes.
Parking was no problem
Probate filed all my papers in 5 minutes.
Which meant that we were 1 1/2 hours early for our court appointment.
Which meant that Mick wanted to officially sign me up for some sort of 12 Step Group for Psychos Who Can Never Even Think About Being Late. For Anything. Ever.

Oops.

I felt pretty bad, but luckily I was prepared. (You know that "Be Prepared" song from the movie "Hoodwinked?" (not the scary one from Lion KIng... this one is funny) - well my kids think it's about ME.) I had a bag packed for just such an occasion and so we just found a bench on some floor of the Court House that didn't seem very busy and settled in to wait.

So we read books. We ate snacks. We used the restroom on various floors of the Court House. We rode the escalator and elevators. We peeked into court rooms. Oh, and did this...

I *DID* mention that we were ONE AND A HALF HOURS early, didn't I?

That's NINETY MINUTES of keeping kids quiet and entertained.

And it was too chilly to go outside.

Actually it was too chilly for her to be wearing that dress...

...but she got it from her Nanny at the orphanage and she's about to outgrow it...

...and she wanted to wear it for this special day.

So what'cha gonna do?

I'm telling you... it was a looooooong wait.

The kids did GREAT, actually. Here's what Mick did:

Seriously. I was afraid people were going to think he was a homeless man who wandered into the Court House to get out of the cold!!! What can I say.

The man has two speeds: 100 mph or ZERO mph. There is no in between. ;-)

But in the end it was all worth it. Our Judge was very sweet to all of us and made the boys promise to be good big brothers and to protect their little sister and look after her ALL THEIR LIVES. They both took it very seriously and promised to do so. I thought it was precious.

And a "BLAM" of the gavel, and that's it!

She's a US citizen, and we're a family.

But we didn't really need any court to tell us that. ;-)

Celebrating Our First 365 days!

2011-03-17T14:09:00.002-05:00

How perfectly appropriate that we received these "Got Love? adopt." shirts on the very day we were celebrating our first year together!!! Aren't they great? You can get yours here.

I think THIS is love. ;-)

What's up with these lips???

Hams. All three of them.

I did something that night that I had not been brave enough to do in our first 365 days together: I cooked Ethiopian food! And... (drumroll, please...) IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!! I was shocked at how delicious it was. I got the recipe from the amazing Mary- recipe posted here.

Someone was happy I cooked ET food!

And someone ate it all!!! (actually we all did !)

Last year on our first day with Avé in Ethiopia we went to a coffee shop after our Embassy appointment and we got some ice cream there for the kids. We put one small bite into her mouth, and she didn't even bother to close her mouth around it! She just looked shocked at the cold and then let it slide right out of her mouth and onto her shirt! Rejection!!! But... it didn't take long for that to change. So in honor of that first day we went and got ice cream after dinner.

A perfect way to end a wonderful day...

and a great start our NEXT year together as a
3 continent family.

Our 1st Familyversary!

2011-03-15T09:47:00.004-05:00

One year ago today this little girl climbed up the stairs to meet her new family.

She backed into my arms and took the dolly that I gave her.

Such ease. Such grace. Such confidence.

I really can’t believe it’s been a whole year. And of course in other ways I can’t believe it’s only been a year.

I look back at these pix of our first few minutes and days together and just sit back in awe of this little person that I am lucky to call my daughter. How did she do it??? How did she just meet these new, strange people and so willingly call them family???

Really... how did she do it???

This video was taken within the first few hours of us being together on the first day. Notice how quickly she had Jack and Ben at her beck and call! (btw, "Ah-TOW!" means "Give it to me!" Jack and Ben learned that word and "Nay!" ("Come here!") very quickly that first day!!! ;-)

I can look back in some of the pictures now and recognize emotions that I didn’t at the time. I know her face and her emotions so much better now than I did a year ago that I now can see things there that I just didn’t recognize then. I can see hesitation in her eyes sometimes, or even occasionally confusion. But I look at all those pictures- those moments captured in time- and I don’t see fear. I don’t see sadness. I just see an incredibly brave little girl who has accepted that some really awful things have happened in her life and because of that sadness she needs a new family. And so... here they are and they seem nice and fun, so... Okay! Let’s do this!

I really can’t get over that. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think I will ever get used to the fact that she just walked into my arms in those first moments together. How could she do that??? How could she trust me so instantly??? It’s just unbelievable. Just unbelievable.

The pix below are from our first day together in America. She was so happy... so content. How did she do it??? EVERYTHING in her world had just changed. EVERYTHING. Although she didn't (and still doesn't) realize it, she had instantly lost her culture, her language... everything that until that point in her 3.5 year old life she had ever known was GONE. Her reaction? She just had a BALL!!! How on EARTH did that happen???

Jack and Ben threw a "party" for her on our first day home.

The party included dancing around with lightsabres.

Avé caught on right away!

I will be so interested in years to come to hear her talk about those first few days together. About those first few moments together. She calls the time when we met "When I was a baby..." When we ask her about those first moments, first days, she just talks about how she gave suckers to Jack and Ben and they taught her how to blow bubbles. I ask her if she felt scared when she was riding in the car to come to us. She says she doesn't remember very much about it. But I think someday she will. Maybe someday she will have a completely different story to tell us than the one we perceived. Maybe she will tell us that she was terrified but covered it all up. But... I don't think she could have kept up that kind of cover for a whole year. She just came to us ready to be in a family. Just ready to give and receive love. I can't explain it... I guess we just got lucky b/c I know it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of us.

It's just HER. Remarkable, brave, funny, sweet, loving, sassy, wise-beyond-her-years Abeba Joy Lilah Gower.

It's just her.

I really think this had a lot to do with her smooth transition.

One of her new favorite phrases is, "You are my favorite Mommy EVER!!!" My boys used to say that too, but... it takes on a whole new meaning when it comes from her, doesn't it? I always send up a silent apology to Mama Meselesh in heaven when she says that. I always tell Mama Meselesh, "I'm so sorry she doesn't remember you... But YOU are the reason she is who she is. YOU laid her foundation and made it so strong and durable. YOU planted these seeds in her heart of bravery and flexibility and YOU taught her to give and receive love." Mama Meselesh did all the hard work. We just reap the fruits of her labor.

...I hope she knows.

I really hope she gets to look down from heaven and gets to KNOW that this girl is JUST. LIKE. HER.

It's been a wonderful year.

Luckiest Girl.

2011-03-11T21:57:00.000-06:00

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world today. I really do. Something happened to day that I will be soaking up for the rest of my life.

How do I blog about this without sharing intimate details of my life with the world wide web?

Basically, like every single person who may ever read this, my life is complicated and has challenges. Big ones. Challenges that often feel insurmountable. Like I'm literally going to die trying to just live through them, much less overcome them.

A few years ago I literally came to the end of my rope in the area I am referring to. It wasn't the first time I was ever at such a low place, and it also wasn't the last. But the difference was that this time I reached out for help. Up until that point only a couple of people knew what all the stuff that had *really* gone on (and was currently going on) in my life. I didn't trust that information to too many people and was scared to death of what would happen if others in my life found out. I was afraid of judgement, gossip, being seen as "less than", and most of all- rejection. But I was at a crossroad- I knew I couldn't go on alone, and yet I was terrified of reaching out. At that point the options seemed really limited. Stay alone, in the dark, keep your stuff secret... and risk completely falling apart, OR reach out for help that may or may not be there. And so I took the huge risk and reached out.

Instead of rejection I found acceptance.
Instead of judgement I found compassion.
Instead of gossip I found my heart safe.
And you know what else I found? I found that this scripture is TRUE:
"Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

When I shared my burden with my friends something magical happened- I found I wasn't carrying the load alone anymore. Really! I found this to be an amazing and unexpected experience. As soon as I found the courage to tell people, I found that the load was lighter! It wasn't too much anymore. It was still heavy. I still felt weighed down- but I could sense that others were along side me shouldering a piece of the burden as well. Amazing.

These women who I have trusted with my heart have continued to walk along side me through these years. I am not going to make it through this life without these friends. I mean that. But that doesn't mean that it is always easy to reach out to them. It's humbling- every time. And sometimes it's embarrassing and even humiliating to need them AGAIN. And AGAIN. And AGAIN. But every time (and over the years there have been MANY times...) they have held up my arms when I found I couldn't any longer.

And at the end of last year I found I needed them once again.

Once again I swallowed my pride.
I resisted the temptation to pretend everything was fine.

Once again I reached out.
I admitted the truth about how low things had become and asked for prayer.

Once again I found my weary arms upheld.
But until today... I didn't know the extent of that help.

Today I found that seven of my friends who have been by my side for a very long time now- friends who know all my junk and inexplicably love me anyway- these seven friends have been praying for me and all my crazy situation every single day since they found out about the latest happenings at the end of last year. They divided the week up between them and have covered me and my life: marriage, family, everything! in prayer every single day since then.

And you know what??? The situation they have been praying for did a 180 about 6 weeks ago. Strangely, miraculously, the situation turned around and since has been better than I honestly ever believed it could be. Of course God gets all the credit for this dramatic change, but my friends played a part by continually bringing this petition before the Father.

When I found out about this behind the scenes prayer team I was literally speechless. I cannot put into words how it made me feel to know that these women love me so much that they would do this for me... I really do not have the writing abilities to describe how this love made me feel. But I think if I told you that it made me do the ugly cry right there outside of Starbucks it might paint the picture a bit more clearly.

How did I feel???

I felt LOVED.

How did I get these friends??? Fear wanted to tell me that letting people in on all my sickness would make them disrespect me. Would make them reject me. Would make them think I was pathetic and unworthy of time and attention. Instead... humble vulnerability grew something I hadn't counted on: respect. You know what one of my friends called me today? BRAVE. Brave! Me! That word went straight to my HEART!!! I am BRAVE??? I feel like a mess most of the time. But she thinks I am BRAVE???

I truly feel like a lucky, lucky girl.

Podcast #4

2011-03-06T18:42:00.000-06:00

I don't really know if anyone links "Three Moms and a Podcast" from here, but just in case I'll let you know that Episode #4 is up! We talked about how it really takes a village to get through this life- through motherhood, marriage, adoption, child rearing, and even flossing. We are all part of the village, people. We need each other! So c'mon Village Peeps! ;-)

Attachment Avenue: It's a Two-Way Street

2011-03-02T22:16:00.003-06:00

Claudia has asked anyone who is willing to to write about their adoption attachment experience with their Ethiopian child or children. She is going to very kindly link all the posts in one common place where we can all go to read each other's stories and get some community support. Isn't that a great idea? If you are interested, jump on in! But you have to post and link it on her linky by March 7th.

Our attachment story is still a cause for wonder to me. Like everyone, I read the books, watched the educational videos our agency required and prepared (as much as is possible- which, let's face it... isn't much) before we traveled to meet our daughter- just 2 weeks shy of a year ago now. All of our agency reports about her had told us that she was VERY reserved and quite shy. She is not smiling in ONE of the photos we saw of her before we travelled. In fact, she had tears in her eyes in some of her referral photos. We discussed with each other and with our boys how we were going to handle adopting a very reserved and possibly very scared and sad little girl.

one of her referral photos

Here is what I expected from her upon our first meeting:
*tears
*fear
*reservation
*confusion
*boys would break the ice and maybe make her feel a bit more comfortable

And that was what I expected at BEST. What I expected at WORST was:
*sheer and utter terror
*screaming
*rejection
*desire to go back to the orphanage rather than stay w/ us at our guest house

Here is what I expected from her upon arrival in America:
*fear
*poor sleep
*tears
*confusion
*need to "cocoon" - not go out or let anyone come over for several months
*looooooong adjustment time
*picking the boys up from school in the "circle drive" rather than on the playground (keep her in the car)
*lots of rocking and comforting
*food issues (either rejection of American food or hoarding or both)

Here is what ACTUALLY happened upon our first meeting:
*She backed into me immediately and let me hold her like that for the first couple of hours.
*She didn't cry at all.
*She didn't make much noise for the first 15-20 minutes or so, but after that became quite chatty. (No idea what she was saying... but it didn't seem to be a cause for concern.)
*She laughed at the boys.
*She played.
*She let me carry her.
*She wasn't crazy about Mick at first, but was not rejecting him. Just slow to warm to him.
*She was bossing the boys around in Amharic within a few hours.
*She called me "Mommy" from that first day.

First Day- on the way to our Embassy Appt.

Really.
I couldn't believe she was that easy.
But I thought things would change when we took her away from everything she has ever known and planted her in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar food and unfamiliar language and customs.

Here is what ACTUALLY happened upon her arrival in America:
*She ate a "Five Guys" hamburger in the airport.
*She ate pizza when we got to our house.
*She slept through the night the first night home... and every night since except for 2.
*She never hoarded food.
*She bonded with Mick.
*She played with the boys as if she had been doing it every day of her life.
*She followed me around- not in a fearful or needy way, just in a delightful little girl loving her mommy way.
*She went to church 10 days after arriving home. We didn't put her in the child care- kept her with us the whole time, but she did GREAT. It was Easter and she stood in the middle of the hallway showing off her dress and tights and shoes to every one who would listen to her jabber on in Amharic about how cute she thought she was! It was adorable.
*We started picking Jack and Ben up on the playground after about 2 or 3 weeks. She wanted me nearby, but would play with other children and climb on the monkey bars or want to be pushed on the swings.

Easter Sunday 2010

ALL of that *could* have just been a coping mechanism learned as survival behavior. (we read all the books and watched all the videos, remember?) We watched out for that. But the fact is... it wasn't survival behavior. It was just HER. I really watched very closely for any signs of anxiety or struggle and the fact is... she just walked into this new life like she owned the place. More on our initial attachment process and transition here.

Now, all of that is from HER perspective- at least, her perspective from OUR perspective. Know what I mean? Bottom line- she has done really well. She is remarkable.

But it's a two way street, isn't it?

I would say that my boys attached to her as quickly as she attached to them. It was great, but not perfect. More on the struggles they have experienced here.

First Day of School '10-'11

I would say that Mick was very patient with her waiting for her to come to him. And once she did they have been very strong.

at the park

As for me... I would say that she and I have attached very well... but in my heart there have been struggles. I would be dishonest to say that bonding with her has been exactly like bonding with my biological sons. It hasn't been the same, and I think that 's okay. I mean- it is what it is and so it has to be okay.

At first it really worried me. I knew that I really thought she was great, but I didn't feel that "heart in your throat" kind of thing that I felt for my boys. I knew that was probably normal, but still it worried me. But it came. It really came. One day I looked at her in my rearview window and my heart leapt and I thought, "OH! There it is..."

But there have been and continue to be times when I know in my heart that I'm not responding to her the same way I would respond to my boys. I guess really I felt less attached. Not that I didn't love her and think she was wonderful. Just that she could irritate me more quickly than I knew my boys would have at the same age and in similar circumstances. (but truly... that may not just be a bio vs. adoption thing. it's also probably a bit of a girl vs. boy thing. they are SO different!) There were definitely days when it felt like "going through the motions" more than "joyously spending time with my daughter." But luckily those times were always accompanied by her delightful self- so full of laughter and silliness and fun... and LOVE. She expressed love for US so clearly and consistently so early on. So even when I wasn't "feeling" it for her, it was still easy to LIKE her and ENJOY her.

fun with photo booth

I still have those moments. They have become fewer and farther between as this year has passed, but occasionally they are still there. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I still sometimes feel like I'm faking it a little bit with her and it makes me feel terrible b/c I know that I never felt like that w/ my boys. I sometimes wonder if it's possible for her to sense that I feel that way. I pray she doesn't.

I think there is probably a broad spectrum of "normal" in attachment and bonding w/ your adopted child. It's a two way street, that's for sure. But it wasn't anything like I expected. Because here is the truth: overall... it's been really easy for us. And the more time passes the deeper my love for her grows- and I believe the same is true for her

The truth is: it has NOTHING to do with Mick nor I nor our boys nor any of the books we read nor videos we watched. It has EVERYTHING to do with Avé and who she is as a person.

THIS is who she is!

I think her first family gave her some great, strong, resilient DNA along with some heavy doses of L.O.V.E. Of course she experienced trauma- every adopted child has. She lost her first family! That is a fact. And she's wicked smart and knows more about who she is and what has happened in her short life than the average 4 year old. (More on her grieving process here.) But she came to us knowing how to be in a family. She knows how to be not just loved but ADORED. That is something you only learn one way: by being adored. If her Mama Meselesh is able to look down from heaven I hope she can see that her baby girl is strong and safe and amazing and truly, madly, deeply loved.

We were getting all snuggly-buggly on the couch the other day and I said to her, "You know what? I just think I love you more and more every day. I'm so glad you are my girl!!!" And she looked up with those amazing eyes of hers and said, "Mommy, me too."

Belated Party!!!

2011-02-26T10:47:00.000-06:00

The snow prevented us from having Jack's party on the weekend we scheduled it, but we finally got it in over a week later. There was still snow on the ground but it was warm and truly a beautiful day at the farm. We had around 50 people out there eating hot dogs and "campfire cake", hiking around and riding horses. The highlight of the day for most of the kids was when they came upon a cow carcass and started picking up the bones. (Again! Didn't they do that last year too???) Ewwwww!!!!! I am so not into bovine decomposition.

But apparently elementary age boys ARE.

Valentines Cards

2011-02-25T07:51:00.000-06:00

I always try to do something creative (or, more appropriately, make my kids do something creative) for their V-day cards. I'm totally not into Valentines Day. I think it's a completely fabricated holiday. It reminds me of Vegas- all show and no substance. Mick and I have probably only gone out on Vday once in our whole marriage and we both looked at each other and said, "We are never doing this again." Too much artificial sentiment for us. Blech. I know, I know. I'm a buzz kill. But I also hate chick flicks and don't even get me started on The Bachelor... which I've never watched but will that prevent me from having a well articulated opinion on how horrible it is for society and what a sickening lesson it teaches young women??? Oh, no!!! I could go off for HOURS on that one!!! Wait... what was I blogging about??? Oh, yeah. My kid's Valentine cards. Back to the subject... ;-)

Totally, 100% stole this idea from a friend on Facebook. She posted that she had done this in the past and I just thought to myself- well there we go! Easy peasy, done and done.

So we took these pictures...

And then we punched some holes in them and stuck a sucker through!

And Happy Valentines Day to all the kids in their classes!!! I know they were a big hit b/c when I went to pick up Avé at preschool that day her teacher was showing another parent Avé's card. And at my boys' school I saw a girl in Jack's class run up to her mom and fish Jack's out of her bag full of Valentines and show it to her! And THEN at pick up the next day the PE teacher told me that he really thought Ben's Valentine was cool. I asked him where he had seen it and he named several first graders who had shown it to him! So... feel free to steal the idea that I stole and use it next year! Could NOT be easier!!!

Oh, and I don't think I did a very good job of explaining this ~~fake~~ holiday to Av b/c she asked me on the way to the car after her class party, "Why I have all this candy anyway???" Don't worry. I left out my lecture on the evils of the card and floral industry and stayed pretty focused on why we will never own "The Little Mermaid."

B-Day Pie

2011-02-24T16:53:00.000-06:00

I'm still working on catching up on blogging! I am getting closer... but still about 3 weeks behind. Oh, well.

Jack's 10th Birthday was February 9th- which happened to be the same day as the premier of "Snowpocalypse 2: This Time It's Personal" was released here in Tulsa. We knew it was headed our way on his birthday so we went out for dinner the night before. He chose our family fave as his dinner choice: Lanna Thai. Mmmmmmmmmmmm...!!! Love me some Thai food!!! Afterward we realized that we didn't have anything at home to make a b-day cake for him so we thought we would swing by Village Inn and get some Birthday Pie.

On the way home that night I started telling stories about when Jack was a baby. Like...

The first time I saw him his eyes were open and he was waving his arms and kicking his legs and I literally thought he was the most beautiful baby that had ever been born.

When he was about 2 he took off his diaper while he was outside playing. I asked why he took it off and he said he had to go potty. "Did you go pee-pee on the grass?" I asked. "Oh, no, Mommy." he replied. "Just poo-poo."

About the time he ate dirt. On purpose. Mouthful after mouthful after mouthful.

And right in the middle of the story about when he had to be hospitalized for pneumonia and how brave he was when the nurses had to put in his IV... BAM!!! We were rear-ended. :-( Boo. Our car is now in the shop and we have a rental and we are all seeing the chiropractor weekly.

But regardless... my son is 10 and he is a truly wonderful son. I'm so lucky and proud to be his mother!!!

I WON!!! I WON!!!

2011-02-23T14:54:00.002-06:00

I never win anything... but that doesn't stop me entering every internet contest or drawing that has something to offer that I like! So when SIMPLE Reviews advertised that Emma's Bowtique was giving away $10 in free bows, I put my name in the hat. And much to my surprise... I WON!!! I got this GREAT tulle flower, a sequin headband (think I got the last one), and two ruffle bows in green and raspberry. As you can see, they are a huge HIT! And as you can also see, my girl is a huge HAM. Wouldn't want it any other way!!!

Did you know Vader had a 'fro?

2011-02-23T07:32:00.000-06:00

OH, and Go Steelers! (never mind...)

It was supposed to be a hand...

2011-02-18T11:01:00.000-06:00

Don't ask why.

My boys built a finger in our yard.
Not a snowman.
A finger.

A single finger sticking up from my yard. And from the side and back (as in, driving past my house) it looked, well... it looked a little phallic.

Don't tell my sons.

I'll do that myself when they are older. ;-)

Sledding!!!

2011-02-16T13:29:00.000-06:00

You know the snow has hung around too long when you say to your kids, "You guys wanna go sledding again today?" and the unanimous answer is, "...Meh." But we did have fun on the hills before we came down with a bad case of Snow Ennui.

My Snow Angel.

Me after my first run.
The last run didn't put a smile on my face.

Mick- sledder extraordinaire!

"Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes..."

We didn't build the tunnel, but we enjoyed using it!

Jack!

Ben!

My spine!!!

Always good to close the day with a great fort.

So Much to Blog About... So Little TIME!!!

2011-02-15T12:41:00.000-06:00

This post has been difficult to write, not because of lack of material, but b/c of the over abundance of it! Where do I start??? Do I back up to the beginning of The Snowpocalypse that happened here in Snowklahoma 2 weeks ago? Or do I jump to Jack's 10th Birthday Party? Or how about the prize I won? Or to Avé's second set of yarn braids and all that accompanied that? Overwhelmed! I want to blog about each of those b/c I really want to be able to chronicle them in another blog book, but where to begin???

I think Snowmageddon pix are the right place to start. Not much to say about being snowed in for 2 straight weeks except that my kids played way too much Wii, I found out I am probably getting too old to sled down super steep hills, and if the sledding wasn't enough to do my spine in, we got rear-ended b/c of the slippery streets. My kids (for the most part) really enjoy each other, so except for the expected squabbles resulting from being cooped up for too long, they had fun on their unexpected break from school. Hope they had enough fun to make up for the extra 30 minutes of school they are going to have to have each day for two months to make up for 11 snow days! SnOMG, indeed.

Puzzle fun!

I love this pic!

Are those swim goggles he's wearing?

((heart!))

indoor fun...

it got a little out of hand...

and Jack took over the camera...

...zombies???

CANIBALS!!!!!!

Snow Ice Cream!!!

and we lost her sleep cap for a few days...

...but she pulled this scarf off pretty well, don'tcha think?

More SOOOOOOOON... I hope!

The FRO is BACK!!!

2011-01-30T20:37:00.000-06:00

OH! My heart!!! She looks like my LITTLE girl again!!!

We took the braids out today and this is the result! This is her hair simply brushed out after the braids were all out. I absolutely LOVE it!!! ;-) I'm sure after we wash it there will be lots of curl-shrinkage, but even still I can tell that her hair grew AT LEAST one inch in the past month while it was in the braids! And SOFT... oh my goodness. I can't even describe it. I was worried that I wasn't keeping it properly moisturized b/c there were some days when I just totally forgot to do anything at all to it. But OH! It is like cotton candy right now! VERY soft and moisturized and healthy feeling!!! (Is it okay that I'm really proud of myself for this???)

I mean... WOW! THAT is one awesome afro. :-) Of course she says she liked her "long hair" better, but oh well. I will probably do braids again in a month or so, but for now I'm gonna let it rest and enjoy her CURLS!!!

But, people, the best part of the whole day was when she walked into the room to show Ben her hair all combed out and he said, "Oh! I missed her afro so much!!! I'm so glad it's back!" And then he proceeded to stroke her hair over and over... I mean, folks, does it get any sweeter than that???

Yarn Braid-Rockin'-Eve!

2011-01-29T11:34:00.003-06:00

We had a seriously rockin' New Year's Eve here at our house! I spent SIX HOURS putting yarn braids in Avé's hair. Now if THAT doesn't qualify as a party, I don't know what does!!!

Seriously though. SIX hours. I may never have a "I was in labor for you for three days!" story to hold over her head... but I'm gonna have plenty of "I was in labor (ON YOUR HAIR!) for six hours!" stories for her!!! ;-)

First I watched a video on youtube to learn how to do yarn braids. The video is great- very detailed explanation. Then we went to Hobby Lobby to pick out yarn. I'm so glad I took Av with me b/c I probably would have bought black yarn w/o really thinking about it. (because I'm a stupid white lady.) But when I held the black yarn up to her hair it just looked so weird! Her hair is NOT black. The best match we could find was a dark brown called "chocolate." Perfect! She also chose a pink and green yarn to do a few "fun" braids with. Then I went to Sally's to buy some little clippies to separate the sections, and then we went home and cut the yarn pieces and went to work! I should have taken pix as I went along, but oh, well. My camera has decided not to take good pix in my house lately so they probably wouldn't have turned out anyway.

The kids started watching a movie and I sectioned off her hair and got started on the back. It took THREE HOURS to do the back of her hair. Then we took a break to eat dinner and chill and I suggested to her that we just wait and do the front tomorrow. She went to look in the mirror and came back with a disgusted look on her face. "Mommy, this part not tyute (cute). Do more braids." I said, "Honey! You've already been sitting still for so long! Are you sure you want to keep on sitting still??? We could just wait until tomorrow!" But she was sure. And so my four year old daughter sat still for SIX hours while I put braids all over her sweet little head.

Vanity, thy name is Avé.

The video explains really well how to do them, so I won't go into any details here. The only thing I did differently was to really saturate each section w/ a heavy moisturizer before I started braiding. I don't think I was able to get the braids as close to her scalp as the video demonstrates, but it was my first time and I think overall I did a good job!

I left them really long at first, but as soon as I saw her with those long braids, I nearly DIED! She looked 7 years old!!! But... she loved them. So we left them long for 2 weeks. I did have to re-do the front braids once. While she was at the farm w/ Mick one weekend he put a stocking cap on and off of her so many times that the front braids got really fuzzy and looked terrible. (I usually put a sleep cap on under a stocking cap to protect her hair, or use our adorable Curly Zebra hat that you see in our pix from Colorado.) But other than that, her hair care this month has been SO EASY!!! Here's the routine we followed (most days):

Morning: spray braids with distilled water mixed with aloe vera juice. (Just sprayed the braids down as far as her real hair went- didn't spray just the yarn parts.)
Bath time: used EVOO or Bee Mine hair and scalp moisturizer on her scalp and worked it into the hair.
Occasionally: washed the scalp, hair AND yarn w/ gentle shampoo followed by either EVOO or heavy moisturizer on scalp and hair.

That's it!!! And I think she has had a LOT of new growth while her hair has been in this protective style.

The long braids were fun b/c we could do two pony tails, put the front up and leave the back down, buns, one pony tail, french braid the braids, etc...

After two weeks I cut the braids shorter and added beads to the ends. I think this length looks a lot more age appropriate, but it wasn't as fun to work with.So if/when I do them again I will probably do the same- leave them long for a while and have fun w/ them and then cut them off later.

I plan to take them out tomorrow, so that means that this one style will have lasted her an entire month! I could probably leave them in longer, but truthfully? I miss her afro!!!! I can't wait to see her curls again. She LOVES the braids, so I'm not sure she'll be happy about them coming out, but I will probably let her hair rest for a few weeks and then do them again if she wants me to...

...which I know she will. Little Sassafrass. ;-)

Always Prone to Hyperbole!

2011-01-22T20:59:00.000-06:00

My friends and I recorded a new episode of "Three Moms and a Podcast" and it's ready for your listening pleasure!

You may or may not know this about me, but I *do* have a tendency to slightly exaggerate while story telling. Okay, so WAAAAAY more than slightly. I feel my stories involve obvious exaggeration for the sake of humor or to make a point, and that's all fine... as long as you know me. The problem comes when I tell a crazy story on the podcast in which I use an excessive amount of hyperbole... and then I realize that not everyone who listens in *really* knows me. And so when I say something crazy like, "I was so mad at my son I wanted to punch him in the face!" ...it makes me sound like a nut job and may make you feel that you need to call Child Protective Services!!! AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!

So... listen and enjoy... but just know that I am dramatic and really get into story telling and that I even though I sound like an evil mom with rage issues, it's all just for dramatic effect! ;-) (And it's a good story... Jack learned a powerful lesson and no children were harmed in the process! I promise!)

Arranged marriages for our children- who's with me???

2011-01-06T08:27:00.001-06:00

Lindsey made my day when she posted this today! It's all about how our children fell in love in their orphanage and how that love is still strong today! Linz and I have big plans for their future...

Here's a video of the two sweethearts (along with Ruta- future sister-in-law!) in Ethiopia. LOVE to hear them speaking Amharic! Love how bossy Av was right from the start! ;-)

Blogslackedness

2011-01-04T21:54:00.001-06:00

Excuses for lack of posts? I've got 'em in spades. But don't worry. I'm not going to blog about the various reasons for my blogslackedness. (Pronounced "blog-slack-ed-ness"... make sure you pronounce the "ED". ;-) So just enjoy these cute pix of my kids taken on our recent Christmas trip to Colorado. Avé's first experience with snow can be summed up by saying that she purposely fell into EVERY snow drift we walked past, flailing about and laughing as she said, "Help! I can't get up!!! Help me!" ...It was cute the first 3-4 times... ;-)

More to come... soon... maybe...

First Christmas Time

2010-12-25T20:48:00.000-06:00

When first coming across Christmas decorations being put up in Target:

Me: Oh, Avé! Do you know what these are?????
Avé: (unimpressed) Yes Mommy. They are trees.

While looking at a large selection of stockings in a store:
Me: Oh, Avé! We need to buy you a stocking! Which one of these do you like?
Avé: Mommy. These are all WAAAAAAAY too big for me.

It's been super fun going through this season with her! Here are a few highlights in pictures...

We saw The Nutcracker!

With Auntie Kelly and Annie!

And she talked through the whole thing! ;-)

We saw Santa!
And I bribed the boys to be in this pic!
I'm totally not joking.
(bribed, threatened... toMAYto ,toMAHto.)

And maybe sweetest of all, she DANCED in our church Christmas production! I thought I wouldn't cry b/c I had watched all the rehearsals... but of course I did. I just saw this precious little girl on stage dancing and thought of where she was last year at this time and just, well, just.... well, you can imagine.

I mean... really....

Love. Just love.

Merry Christmas everyone! More to come soon...

Just for Fun

2010-12-16T21:47:00.001-06:00

Worth the watch just for the last 5 seconds.

Worth the watch just to see a brother being so sweet about his sister.

Oh, Night Divine. Or just regular. Or pretty crappy, depending on your level of involvement.

2010-12-14T12:19:00.000-06:00

"Oh, Holy Night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth..."

"Silent night, holy night..."

Well... it was and it wasn't.

Holy- yes. God was executing His great rescue plan for humanity. Showing us His great love by sending His Son to earth to live as one of us. Holy, and divine and sacred.

And also pretty regular. Except for some shepherds near Bethlehem who had this completely surreal experience that they MUST have been doubting was even real just a few hours after it was over; unless you were them it was just another night. I mean, if you were living anywhere else- in a Mayan village or China or even up the road in Jerusalem, that night was nothing big at all. Just a night.

But I bet it was actually pretty crappy for those actually involved in the story- the ones we sing about in those songs where we call the night "silent" and "holy" and "divine." I've given birth. It's pretty gross. And it hurts. A LOT. And it turns out giving birth for the first time is pretty terrifying even with epidurals and episiotomies and c-sections and doctors and nurses galore. Imagine being in a barn. Alone. No mid-wife to help. And barns are filthy and smelly and uncomfortable and WRONG for having a baby. Just wrong. I imagine young Mary thinking, "Surely this isn't how it was supposed to be."

And that's also me. Right now. In a deeply important part of my life. Looking around me and thinking "This is wrong. Surely this isn't how it's supposed to be." I'm lonely and afraid and terrified of how dead I feel inside but also terrified of waking up again because to wake up means to HOPE. And when you hope you make yourself vulnerable to pain. And disappointment. And crushing, heart-breaking realities. And so it feels easier to just stay asleep.

But when I'm asleep, I'm not ME.

And God created each of us to BE US.

I'm not a good mom when I'm not me. No- I'm probably good. I'm probably okay. But I'm not GAYLA. I'm not Gayla-as-a-mom if I'm asleep inside. Nor am I Gayla-as-a-friend, Gayla-as-a-wife, Gayla-as-a-person even. I may be saving myself some pain (or at least I tell myself that's what I'm doing), when in reality I'm just delaying it. Or worse- exacerbating it by letting it pile up un-dealt with.

The past several Christmases I always seem to struggle with feeling like there is something I am missing. In my younger days- not just childhood, but far into my 20's- I used to be able to tap in to the Spirit. The feeling you are "supposed" to have at this time of year. I could ponder the miracle and the gift of the season and be filled with wonder and aching beauty. I felt an aching longing then too, but I had HOPE. Hope that one day this ache would actually be replaced with fulfillment. But instead of fulfillment I have received disappointment. And as Proverbs says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Today, right now, I am heart-sick. Maybe even soul-sick. And I'm tired of hoping.

But today I also chose to lean into those around me who continue to hope FOR me. I lean into my friends when my heart and soul are too sick and sad to hold my own arms up anymore and I borrow their strength.

And... I am comforted by the thought that THAT holy, divine night may have felt a lot like THIS sad, lonely night. And that does not make it any less holy. Any less divine.

In fact, maybe THIS is what holy really feels like.

The Second Podcast!

2010-12-12T17:19:00.000-06:00

Episode #2: "Happy Holidays from the Moms" is up both on iTunes and on our Podbean account!

Tune in to hear my friends try to shut me down when I suggest that a local Bible college turn off their exorbitant amount of Christmas lights for one night and donate the money saved in electricity to dig wells in Africa!

(do ya get the feeling these girls have heard me say it all before???) ;-)

Referral-aversary!

2010-12-03T09:22:00.002-06:00

(stole that title from Lindsey!!!)

ONE YEAR...

One year ago today I went to work.

One year ago today my phone rang and I didn't answer it.

One year ago Mick and I rushed home to see the sweetest, saddest face ever.

One year ago.

Amazing...

What a difference a YEAR makes...

PS- I just showed Avé those pix of her that we saw last year and I asked her if she knew why she was so sad. She said, "Yes, because me no have a family." Seriously. That was her answer. No prompting from me. For real.

Blown away...

Gratitude

2010-11-30T05:56:00.000-06:00

Well, I've done it. I've accomplished the goal of blogging every day for a month and can officially call myself a NaBloPoMo member! (are there members?) And you know what? I really enjoyed it! It MADE me sit down and write about some things that I have been putting off for a very long time. It made me think through some topics I thought I wasn't ready to write about- but when I started writing I found out that either I was ready, or that I would never be ready and so I may as well put it out there as-is.

The last thing I want to write about this month is Gratitude. I want to live a life that is full of thanksgiving. Mind you- absolutely nothing in my life is exactly the way I want it to be. Nothing. My dream life is 100% full of meaningful conversations with my spouse and tidbits of wisdom passed on to my eager children who eat delicious meals made by me with all organic ingredients before we make time to read the Bible and a deep, meaningful chapter book before bed. My REAL life is 100% full of days when my husband and I hardly have time to speak to each other and my children ignore every single word that comes out of my mouth and we have cereal for dinner and I tell them I'm too tired to read to them before bed. But STILL... I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. And I truly want my children to appreciate all that they have too.

In the adoption world there are always people talking about how we can't expect adopted kids to feel grateful for their adoption. And they are RIGHT. I mean, that's a bit like saying that kids whose parents have gone through a painful divorce should be thankful for it because each parent has remarried. Maybe they can really, really love their new step-parents, but that doesn't mean that they have to be grateful for the divorce that brought them all together. So I'm not writing this to say that Avé has to be grateful that she has us for a family. But I AM saying that I want my children- ALL of them- bio or adopted- to be grateful for their lives.

We have so much given to us in this country. So much that we don't even NEED but think that we do. And somehow I have a sneaking suspicion that on the day we stand before God He is going to ask us about our gluttonous lives and why we continued to live in such a selfish manner when we knew that others' suffering could be eased if we would would give more away instead of accumulating more "things" for ourselves.

Nothing makes me crazier as a mom than ungratefulness in my children. I mean- if you really wanna see me just go bananas, come over some day when my kids have been able to stay late after school to play soccer, had a friend over for a play date, then went someplace fun for dinner... and THEN complained b/c they didn't get to go out for dessert afterward! I seriously go berzerk. One day we were leaving Sonic's "happy hour" with slushies in their little hands when we happened to drive past a Braum's and one of my kids said in a really sad and pathetic voice, "We haven't been to Braum's in like, forever." My other kids chimed in, equally sad and pathetic. I whipped the car into a parking lot, demanded their slushies and tossed them into the nearest trash can. I mean, AAAAAUUUUUUUGH!!!! Can you say SPOILED???? That just infuriates me!!!

And then comes the part that I always regret later- the lecture. I JUST CAN'T STOP MYSELF!!! Really!!! I just start going off and off and off and off and even though there is a part of my brain that says, "Simmer down, G! They tuned out like, 5 minutes ago!" I just can't stop until I have said all I have to say! And by the end I'm usually crying. It goes something like this:

""We haven't been to Braums...??? WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO BRAUMS???" What, exactly, is that in your hands??? And yet you are complaining because WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO BRAUMS???? Oh, no. Oh, no, my friends. (dramatic pull over into nearest parking lot) Give me those drinks. (dramatic toss into the trash can) If you can't be grateful for what you have, then you don't deserve what you have!!!! Do you think every child in the world gets to swing by Sonic after school? Don't you realize that there are kids in this world who not only don't get to drink Blue Coconut Slushies, but they have to hike for 1/2 a day to get water to drink? And then when they get it, that water is dirty and filled with things that will make them sick??? There are kids who can't even have the PRIVILEGE of going to school because they have to hike back and forth every day to get their family DIRTY WATER to drink and bathe in and cook with... and yet MY CHILDREN, who are holding slushies in their hands are sad because they haven't gotten ice cream??? Oh, that is just ridiculous. Don't you remember when we saw that village in Africa on TV where the only toy in the whole village was a long sleeved shirt rolled up to use as a soccer ball??? And don't you remember the children begging on the streets and living in the dump in Ethiopia??? And yet you feel sorry for yourselves because you got slushies instead of ice cream..."

To be fair, I *ALWAYS* apologize to my kids later for acting so nutso. But I also make it very clear that that a crazy, raving fit is very likely to happen every time they act so ungrateful for all they have. That is just who I am and they need to realize that if they want to see their mother go berzerk-o, acting ungrateful is the best way to do it. One morning I threw a pair of socks at Jack's head when he told me that the reason we were ready to leave and he didn't have his shoes and socks on is because he "didn't like any of his socks." AAAAUGH!!! Berzerk-o time!!!! (again... I apologized later and told him he had full permission to mock me for the day I threw socks at his head. ;)

But the really pathetic thing?

I do the same thing.

All.
The.
Time.

And maybe that's why I react so strongly when my kids do it. I hate it in myself. I hate going to the mall because it makes me feel like all my clothes are stupid. I hate watching TV because it makes me feel like I need more money to spend on my hair and my shoes and my make-up. I hate reading fashion magazines because the ads all make me feel fat. I hate it when I do get something new and somewhere in my heart it makes me feel just a little bit superior. I HATE that. I hate that I fall prey to all those marketing tricks that tell me that if I just had this product it would change my whole life. I love my country, but I hate those things about our materialistic culture.

Because being unsatisfied means being ungrateful.

My life is far from perfect. But I want to be grateful for every broken, messed up, heart-breaking, imperfect piece of it. And if I want grateful children, well, they are only going to learn that one way: by example. My lectures and dramatics may make an impact for a short period of time, but really I think they will only teach my kids not to be ungrateful OUT LOUD. On the inside they will feel the same way. Unless I can show them another way to live.

God, help me. Because really- I have every single thing I need.

And then some.

And I wanna be grateful.

Her Lifebook - Her Story

2010-11-29T07:47:00.001-06:00

-Mommy, read me a book!
--Okay. Which book do you want to read?
-Read my Avé Story!
--You want to read your Lifebook?
-Yes! Read about me!

And so we read her story. Again. Again and again and again.

"After the rainy season ends in southern Ethiopia a very special time begins. Spring-like weather makes everything start to grow! Flowers are blooming everywhere. Trees are putting on their best leaves. The farmers are planting their crops. It’s a beautiful time in a beautiful country. And after the rainy season ended in 2006 something else beautiful happened. In the area called the Sidama Zone, in a village called Luta Bongodo, a very beautiful baby was born. Her family thought she was so beautiful that they decided to name her “Flower!” And that baby was YOU! Abeba Lilah Gower! The word for flower in Amharic is “Abeba.” And so that’s what your name means. “Beautiful Flower.” * **
*A few details have been changed or deleted for privacy.
** And if you read something up there that you know is incorrect, please let me know!!! I'm just using info I've gathered and cobbled together from many sources. I want it to be correct, so correct me if I have been misinformed!

I can't remember specifically who introduced me to the concept of adoption lifebooks, but I'm forever grateful. For those not in the know- a Lifebook tells the adoptees story- as much as you know of it- from birth to the time he/she came to be your son or daughter. Every teeny-tiny piece of information is important to the adoptee. After all, their life doesn't begin at the moment they join our families. For my daughter, she had 2 years and 9 months with her first family and then 8 more months in an orphanage before she came home with us. That's a lot of living and a lot of information she's going to wonder about someday!

We are fortunate to know some great details about her life in both of those circumstances. I'm sure these details are going to mean so much to her. And we are fortunate to have some great pix from the area where she was born. (Thanks again, Heidi!) But truthfully? It was very challenging to write.

It was challenging because my daughter's story is hard. And sad. And because although we know some things, other details will forever be a mystery.

The unofficial (or maybe official?) Lifebook guru is Beth O'Malley. She has a website and a "how-to" book on the subject. One thing she stresses is not to sanitize the story. Not to leave out hard truths or difficult facts. Because, well, because they are facts. And to hold back information is just unfair and ultimately unkind. But she does give you great suggestions for language to use at each stage and in many different circumstances. I found all of the information she offered very helpful while I was writing Avé's lifebook.

I was motivated to start writing her story after an interesting event last summer. My boys were talking about when they were in my tummy (I honestly can't remember why this had come up... seems very random, but that's kids) and Avé said, "Tell me about when *I* was in your tummy!" I simply told her that she didn't grow inside my tummy- that she had grown inside the tummy of her first mommy- Mama Meselesh. She asked why, and since I wasn't prepared to give her the birds-and-the-bees conversation I just said something lame about that's how babies are born- from the tummies of their first mommies. She had a lot more questions about how she was born and I knew that was just one reason I needed to get her lifebook written- so that I could tell her her whole story. Or as much as we know of it.

Right now I just have a rough copy printed out from my computer, but she loves it! We read it all the time. And when she is grieving it is the first thing we turn to. It reminds her of who she is and where she has come from. It connects her to her roots and to people and places I don't want her to forget. It reminds her that her first family loved her so very much... and that her second family does too. And above ALL it tells her that God loves her and has been watching out for and protecting her through all of her story. And that He has big plans for her life. And that while God didn't orchestrate the parts of her story that are sad or painful, He was there with her through that time and was always, always, always holding her so close and loving her more than she can even imagine. More than her first and second families combined.

Podcast is UP!

2010-11-28T18:47:00.000-06:00

The "Three Moms and a Podcast" podcast (hmmm... I sound like Lady Redundant Woman...) is ready for downloading! You can listen in a couple of ways.

You could go HERE - that will take you directly to the podcast on our hosting site and you can listen on your computer. Or you can go to iTunes and do a search for us (you'll have to scroll down a bit b/c music comes up on top... podcasts further down the page) and from there you can even SUBSCRIBE if you so choose! (it's FREE!) That way when we record a new episode it will automatically download into your iTunes and then you can have it on your listening device of choice and listen at your leisure.

We would love to get lots of people participating and giving us feedback and input. You can "join" us on facebook (just do a search for "three moms and a podcast" and we come right up. then just click to "join"). If you do decide to join us on fb, then you will be able to write in and add your 2 cents for us to read "on the air"! Our next episode is on the holidays and we are wanting people to write in and share two things:
1. Favorite Holiday Traditions
2. Favorite gift you ever received

YOUR stories are what are going to make this fun! I mean, my friends and I can have a good time, but we pretty much know all each other's stories. YOUR input is what will keep us coming back. So join the fun and participate!!!

CAN. NOT. WAIT!

2010-11-28T15:10:00.000-06:00

We are HUGE Narnia fans here in the Gower household. The books have been treasures to me for a very, very long time. I've read the entire series aloud to every group of kids I ever taught and now I'm loving sharing them with my own kids. Can't WAIT to see this movie w/ my boys on opening night!!! Avé still can't be quiet through movies and can't follow the language, so she'll have a Daddy-date while the boys and I go watch.

December 10th!!! Can't wait!!!!

LOVE this book

2010-11-27T08:00:00.001-06:00

Because when I read it to Avé she always says, "I think you look like my Mommy."

My Creative Sons

2010-11-26T08:00:00.002-06:00

All created and photographed by the Gower Boys.

(not really sure of the story line... so don't ask for details)

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:00:00.001-06:00

Hope the squirrel finishes off those pumpkins before we get home.

...because it's Wednesday.

2010-11-24T10:32:00.000-06:00

Unless you've been living under a rock you have probably experienced the absolute ecstasy that is "Business Time." But it's so good, it deserves a second listen. (or third, or twentyseventh...)

Grieving (so far...)

2010-11-23T08:17:00.002-06:00

It hurts to write this post. It hurts because my daughter hurts and it's a pain I cannot take away. It's a pain she is going to have to reconcile herself to for life.

There is just no way to get around it: adoption is rooted in loss. A child has lost the opportunity to grow up with their biological family and through that loss may have also lost a homeland, a culture, a language, and too many other things to count. The reason that there is a need for adoption is because the world is broken. Adoption gives a child a second family, but it doesn't negate the first.

This past summer we marked a very important and tragic day in Avé's short life. I wrote her a letter on the anniversary of this day- a letter I will not share in full b/c it's just for her. I will tell you, though, that in that letter I let her know one very important fact about herself and her life:

Her first family LOVED her.

No- her first family ADORED her.

How do I know this? Because of who she is. You only learn how to be in a family by being in a family. And you only learn how to give and receive love by giving and receiving love. My daughter is a girl who KNOWS how to be ADORED. And that tells me that her first family gave her such a gift- they gave her all of their hearts.

I'm still not really sure how to talk about Avé's past online in a way that shares her story in a way that can connect me with others who are dealing with the same things, and in a way that might help others on their journey- but at the same time still respects her privacy. It's a delicate balance. So, I'm not going to tell you everything, and if you know us in "real" life, I'm asking you to kindly NOT share with others what I may have already told you about her life or what you may read on this blog. Think of it this way: SHE does not fully comprehend her whole story yet. So it's unfair that others in our circle of acquaintance know more than she does.

But I do want to share some things we have been going through. I'll do my best to walk that delicate line. I have decided that I am comfortable sharing the info I am going to write about today because Avé has shared or has asked me to share things along these lines with others. And if she's comfortable with it, then I am too.

We talk a lot about her first family. We call them by name- Papa Debiso and Mama Meselesh. She does not remember her first mother- Mama Meselesh died when Av was still a little baby. But we talk about her to build memories of her. I am able to tell her that she looks like Mama Meselesh. I am able to tell her that she is silly and funny like Mama Meselesh. I am able to tell her that she likes music just like both of her first parents. We are blessed to be able to know these things. They will be a treasure to her.

But just because I know she doesn't really remember her first mother doesn't mean she isn't grieving her loss. Toward the end of summer she experienced a lot of grief. She asked a lot of questions over and over and over. "Why Mama Meselesh die?" I answered her questions truthfully and openly as I could. A couple of times she would be playing with a little friend and then come to me and say, "Mommy- tell her about Mama Meselesh die." And so I would... often to the shock of the little friend's parent! But I saw this as a good sign- she wanted her friends to know this important fact about her. One day we were driving in the car- just the two of us- and she just burst into tears and said, "Mommy! Me no want Mama Meselesh die!!!" I pulled the car over, unbuckled her seat belt and put her on my lap and we both just cried and cried and cried. I told her that I wish Mama Meselesh hadn't died either. And I mean it. I wish she could still be with her first family- surrounded by their love and the culture she was born into. It's not fair... it just really is NOT fair...

We had several episodes like this and sometimes they take her hours to get over. All I know to do is to hold her and cry with her and then get out Karen Purvis' book and see what else I need to be doing to help her through her grief.

I don't always handle it well.

At one point she started saying things like, "Me no like this house. Me like Ethiopia house." and I would just say, "Yes- Ethiopia houses are very nice, aren't they?" One night we were having Mexican food and she picked up a tortilla and said, "Me no like this America injera. You injera no yummy. Ethiopia injera yummy." We all stifled a giggle and then just agreed, "Yes, Ethiopia injera is better than this 'injera'."

But then one night she said, "Me no like you to be my Mommy. Me want Mama Meselesh be my Mommy."

And I was STUNNED by the pain that went through my heart.

I responded by putting her on my lap and holding her close and saying, "Yes, I'm sorry that Mama Meselesh can't be your mommy too. I know you miss her so much." and she started crying onto my shoulder and I started crying into her hair... but this time my tears were partly selfish tears. I was crying- at least partly- for myself. I was crying at how ashamed I felt about my poor reaction in my heart, and I was crying because, well, dammit! It hurts to feel rejected! I know she wasn't really rejecting me... I know that. And I'm not telling you this b/c I'm proud of it. I'm just telling you this b/c it's the truth. Immature- maybe. But still the truth.

But what this told me is that while she deals with everything so well on the outside, there is a very deep inside where she hides her true feelings. And it's going to be our job as her second family to help her dig those feelings out and help her deal with them. It scared me a little bit. It let me know that she may be the kind of person who holds everything in- and I don't think that's healthy. Because the grief is there. Some people deal with it head-on and let their anger and sadness all hang out. And others bury it deep. But it WILL come out- if we don't deal with it in healthy ways we will be dealing with it in unhealthy ways at some point.

And really? I'm not too sure how to do that. I can love her and help her to talk about and process things... but I do think at some point we are going to need to seek some professional help in encouraging her to deal with her grief in a healthy manner. I'll do the very, very best I can... but I know it won't be enough.

Sibling Adjustment (so far...)

2010-11-22T08:08:00.009-06:00

I'm gonna be honest. Before we brought Avé home one (of the MANY) things that I was ~~terrified of~~ nervous about was how my boys were going to adjust to this new sibling. I wasn't all that worried about specifically how she would adjust to them... I was more just generally worried about how she would adjust to, oh, you know... everything. But for my boys I was really concerned about how this was going to shake their world. They are very tight, my two boys, and I wasn't worried that that would change. But I was worried about pretty much everything else.

(Are you sensing that I can be a worrier? Before I had children I was NEVER like this! But this is what tends to happen when you discover that you never really knew what love was before...)

Some specifics that I worried about:

1. Ben's adjustment; losing his place as the baby of the family, etc...

2. How the boys would feel (or how others would make them feel) about being a transracial family

3. What if she was extremely needy and took up all my time and energy and I had none left for my boys?

4. What if adding her to our family really screwed up this great thing we had going?

I won't say that I wasn't concerned about her feelings and her adjustment, but the truth is that I was much more worried about the kids I already knew and loved rather than the girl who I wanted to love but had really only seen in pictures.

One thing I think I may have done right before we ever adopted was to sit my boys down and tell them the following: "Guys, you know that bringing home your sister is going to be a big change- a big change for ALL of us. And I'm sure you know that Mommy is probably going to have to spend a lot of time with her- helping her adjust to our home and our family, as well as to our food and our language and everything else. And I'm going to tell you something that is very, very likely to happen. It is VERY likely that you are going to think some thoughts like, "Mommy likes our sister more than us." or, "Mommy only has time to spend with our sister." or something along those lines. And so right now I am going to tell you: THAT IS NOT TRUE. In fact, if you do think thoughts like that you need to come and tell Daddy and I right away so that we can know how you are feeling and so that we can pray with you. Because you know who likes to spread lies? The devil. And he would LOVE to mess up our hearts and our family in any way he can. So if he can lie to you and tell you that I love your sister more than I love you and get you to believe it- well, he will count that as a very great victory. So you need to know that in advance so that you'll know what to do if it happens." It did happen once, and the boys came to me and I was able to remind them of that conversation and we prayed about it and it was all good.

#2: I blogged about the transracial thing yesterday- but didn't really bring up anything about my boys. The fact is- they think it's totally normal to have a sister who is from Africa. And so do all their friends. That adjustment has been a non-issue so far. Which I think says a lot about the positive direction this country has changed in the past few decades. Not that it won't ever be an issue- I'm sure it will at some point. But for now it's been all good.

#'s 3 and 4 did not materialize (yet) and so I wasted my time worrying about that. (actually worry is ALWAYS a waste of time. you think i would learn that lesson... i've had so many opportunities to see that truth made obvious...)

But #1.... hmmmm...

One of the biggest surprises for me was how quickly my boys attached to her. They just adored and doted on her right from the start. It was sweet to the point of nauseating. ;-) Seriously- sometimes I would have to tell them to get out of her face and stop kissing her! Especially when we were in the car and she was trapped in her car seat in between them. I mean, let the girl breathe!!!

THAT was a good surprise. The next was not.

The next surprise was: she liked Jack more than she liked Ben.

And she made it obvious.

As often as she could.

From as early as our first week together in Ethiopia.

She was never outright mean, just rude and snarky. Around 5 weeks home she would say , "Love Mommy. Love Daddy. Love Jack." ...and then leave a very obvious silence while she looked Ben right in the eyes as if to say, "You ARE picking up what I'm throwing down, aren't you?"

And it hurt his heart.

And that hurt mine.

When his Kindergarten teacher said to him, "I bet your new sister is having so much fun with you!" he replied, "No. She only likes Jack."

Pain!

One day as we were dropping the boys off at school they both kissed her and told her that they loved her as they were getting out of the car. She told Jack she loved him, but refused to say it to Ben. And I saw the look in his eye. The look of a 6 year old heart being crushed. And just remembering that look has brought tears to my eyes once again.

When we got home that morning I put her on my lap in the rocking chair and bawled as I told her, "You CANNOT treat Ben like that. You just really CANNOT. He's my baby too! It hurts Ben's heart... it hurts Mommy's heart. He loves you and you are GOING to be nice to him! You just can't keep hurting his heart this way." I have no idea how much of that she understood, but I do think she got the message. When we went to pick up the boys that afternoon I very seriously told her that when she saw Ben she had to look him in the eye and say, "Hi Ben! I love you!" I didn't even care if she didn't mean it at all- she was going to say it. We even practiced in the car. And she did! And because he didn't know I had FORCED her to say it, his eyes lit up! Seriously... he fell for it. Which made my heart hurt in a completely different sort of way. He wanted her to love him so badly... he was willing to take whatever she would give him.

Ben's teacher mentioned to me that he was crying at school over very random things. Crying at school at all for Ben was very unusual. I knew it was a symptom of his adjustment- losing his place in the family and making way for this dynamo of a sister and then having her not like him on top of it all was a lot to take in all at once. Looking back I wish I would have had him go talk to our awesome school counselor about it, but the school year was coming to an end and I just determined to help them both work on getting along over the Summer.

AAAAAAAND... I talked about it with a child psychologist. Because, you know. Let's just go right to the top. Actually she is a friend and a fellow mom at my kids' school and I really trust her wisdom and advice. I described the situation to her- how she just adored Jack and he could do no wrong, but how she and Ben just fought at every turn and she just did whatever she could to tick him off! (and to be fair... Ben started giving as good as he got. I don't think he would have done it to the same degree had she been sweet to him, but a boy can only take so much.) My friend said some magic words to me that I treasured and will never forget. She said:

"You know that's very normal, right?"

NORMAL! Oh, how I love that word! Seriously.

She said, "She will probably have Jack on a pedestal her whole life. He's the BIG brother! And he's a kid who kind of lends himself to being put on a pedestal. He's sweet, he's loving, he has time for everyone. Of course she is going to adore him! But the truth is... she and Ben are going to be a lot closer in the long run. They will have to work out their issues, and in the long run that will make them really close."

I could have just kissed her right there.

That really made sense to me and put my mind and heart at ease. And over the Summer I did make sure that the two of them got along and had plenty of one-on-one play time while I worked with Jack on things like reading Sequoyah books and memorizing all the times tables. And it really seemed to help. They started to learn how to enjoy each other's company and to discover that they could actually have fun together. Now don't get me wrong: it is very, very NORMAL around here. Meaning that they are just normal siblings who fight and tattle on each other and break each other's things and hide them... But it's better than what it used to be.

Oh- and one time this past Summer she came in the back door crying her eyes out and telling me that Ben had kicked her in the NECK! I was so mad... I called Ben in- of course he denied it- and started to read him the riot act about how to treat his sister when I noticed Jack looking really strangely in the background. Then he started shaking his head and running his hand across his throat and mouthing, "That didn't happen." So I said, "Ooooohhhh... So that's what's going on..." and then proceeded to try to explain lying in English to a child who had only been here for about 3 months and let's just say it didn't go very well but she was put into time out for three minutes and I think she's a smart girl and knew exactly what was going on. ;-)

I snuck into their room just now and
snapped this. Don't you love the flags?

Over the Summer I also let all my kids sleep in the same room. Jack and Ben had been sleeping together either on the top or bottom bunk in their room for over a year, and so I just pulled out Avé's trundle and let them sleep on it. I think sleeping in the same room is very bonding! I just loved listening to them giggle and tell stories as they were falling asleep. And they loved it too! When school started I told them they were going to have to go back to their room and all three of them rejected the idea and promised to fall asleep quickly and not stay up late talking. And really, I think they are doing a great job! Recently we took down the bunk beds and set them up as twin beds in the boy's room. Avé sleeps on one by herself (because she is still wearing a pull-up at night and, well, no one wants to wake up in a puddle as occasionally happens) and the boys share the other twin. This probably won't be able to happen much longer- Jack is getting so big! But for now... what a treasure.

So it hasn't all been smooth and we still have bumps or even boulders in the road. But... it's gonna be okay. And 'normal' makes me very happy.

Transracial. It's what we are.

2010-11-21T15:57:00.001-06:00

Justine... I bet you thought I was never going to get around to answering your question! But here I am, and I'm gonna give it my best shot. Justine had asked about my feelings and other's reactions to us as a transracial family. (Justine is a strong and courageous mom of 3- 2 bio and 1 adopted this year from Hong Kong.)

I remember how it felt to take Jack out with me when he was a newborn. I felt so self-conscious! I felt like anyone who looked at me was thinking, "Oh, she is OBVIOUSLY a new mom and doesn't know what she is doing." I remember being in a Walgreens and putting his carrier on the floor to look at a magazine and then absolutely panicking b/c I thought, "What if I forget about him and leave him here???" I picked him up and immediately left and went straight home. Nutty? Yes, perhaps. But going from not having any children to having a baby was a BIG adjustment. And this was a baby who looked (almost exactly!) like me.

When we first came home with Avé I was very, very, very, VERY disappointed with myself about how self-conscious I was when we would go out in public. I was uber-aware of every eye that noticed us, every head that turned our way, every question that flittered across someone's face. I was truly SHOCKED at how self-conscious I felt. It was akin to that new-mom self-consciousness, but with a much uglier twist. I'm not proud of this. But ultimately I learned a lot about myself. What I think it came down to is that I do not want to be judged. We are noticeable. I knew to expect that. What I didn't know to expect was that with that "notice" might also come judgement and disapproval. It hasn't happened a ton, but it has happened. And whether the instances of judgement or disapproval were all real or all in my imagination or a little bit of each, it took some getting used to. But I'm happy to say that it only took a few months before I didn't even think about "those looks" anymore. Now-a-days it seems I have developed a spidey-sense for "those looks" and I just make sure not to even turn my head and make eye contact. I do the same for the overly-approving, "oh, I see what you have done here and aren't you a wonderful person" looks, although I have a bit more grace for those b/c I think I used to do the same myself. :-/

There have been a few "awkward" conversations. Once at church a lady who I do not even know cornered me and started asking questions about our adoption. I answered the basics: where she is from, how old she is, how long she has been with us. But then she kept asking for more information. About how do we know her "real" birthday and about her "real" family and how they died. Mind you, Avé was STANDING RIGHT BESIDE ME this whole time. (luckily it was a very noisy area and she didn't understand much English at the time) I deftly avoided giving direct answers to those questions but she didn't take the hint. When she asked me, "Did she have any siblings?" I just smiled my biggest smile and said, "She does now!" But she still didn't stop. I was really afraid I was going to have to be flat out RUDE to her but luckily Mick and the boys walked by and I said something about how they were looking for me and I had to go... and just walked away with her disapproving look staring behind me. It did not help that she was an African American woman either. That made me feel all the more judged and uncomfortable. But REALLY!!! As if I'm going to tell a total stranger details about my daughter's life that she herself doesn't fully grasp yet!!! Geesh! I was so ticked. I've seen this woman a few times since and always feel like she's looking at me weird. So I just do whatever it takes to avoid her.

There are those out there who say that transracial adoption (and even just adoption period) is just flat-out wrong. There are even those out there who say that transracial adoption is a plot by the "white man" to eliminate black culture. (both of these are examples of opinions on those adult adoptee blogs that I no longer read. and I WON'T link them for you. so you'll just have to trust me on this.) People can hold all kinds of beliefs. So once again what it comes down to is God asking me, "Who are you going to listen to?"

I just started reading a fantastic book called Growing Up Black In White by a transracial adoptee named Kevin Hoffmann. I was so encouraged by some words he wrote in the first chapter of his book. He wrote, "It is my belief that each adoptee is divinely matched and placed with their adoptive family." I loved reading those words. Especially since they were written by a transracial adoptee and even more especially since they came at the end of a story of horrible racism that his family endured in the late '60's. To be honest, there are times when I struggle to believe that. If you know me and you know Avé, you probably think it's completely ridiculous that I would ever doubt for one minute that God had his hand in putting us together when she needed a second family. I truly think the reason for my struggle is filling my head with all those blogs who say the opposite of what Kevin is saying. I wish I had never discovered them- certainly not so early in our time as a new family. The seeds of fear and worry that were sewn in my heart are proving difficult to get out. But get them out I will. Because I do believe that God made us a family. And I do believe that God works everything for good.

Right now all the looks and comments go over Av's head. But there will come a time when that won't be true. I need people in my life and good information in my head to help me navigate these waters. I am not trying to be naive nor ignorant about racism. I am fully aware that the only people who use the term "color blind" are white people. Ignoring race is akin to ignoring gender. It's there. It's obvious. And it DOES matter. I know that I don't know everything I need to know to handle all the various situations our family might encounter. And I also know that I do not know much at all about teaching my daughter to handle racism. But if I truly embrace the fact that this is how our family is supposed to be, then I also have to trust that God will place people in our lives (and in Av's life specifically) who can help us learn to be the transracial family we are supposed to be.

Guess what she's learned to do now???

2010-11-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

P.S.

2010-11-19T08:30:00.002-06:00

So it took me 3 days to tell the story of how Mick and I met.

What I would really, really, really, really hate is if someone were to read the past three day's posts and think, "Oh- her life/marriage is perfect." I would really, really, really, really hate it if someone were to read anything that I write and go away feeling bad about their own life. And you know why I think someone might do that? Because I do that all the time. I read people's blogs- read about their wonderful, exciting lives and the incredible places they live and the amazing things the do with their kids and husbands and families and I go away feeling depressed about my very, very real, very, very daily life.

Cause here's the thing: we can all paint any picture we want on here. We all only show what we want to show, reveal what we want to reveal. All of us. Some of us are more transparent than others, but even the gut-wrenchingly honest ones are still just sharing what they want to share.

I have a pretty amazing story about how I met my husband. It's true- every word of it. But if someone went away from reading that three-part story and imagined a perfect life following that perfect meeting, they would be wrong. I refuse to go into any details, but I also refuse to act like my life is perfect. My life is hard. My life is great. I live in a constant flux between allowing God to give me peace and joy and longing for connection and happiness to come in other forms. That's just me. These are the cards I've been dealt and most days I do a pretty good job of finding the joy and focusing on the good. I fail a lot. It's not always easy.

And I guess after three days of sugary, sunshiney posts I just needed to put that out there.

How I Met Your Father, Part 3

2010-11-18T06:28:00.006-06:00

So there he was in the front seat. The man I would one day marry. Only at the time I had no idea. I just thought of him as the super good-looking tour guide who was probably really full of himself and a big jerk who was in love with his own accent.

I could not have been more wrong.

Except about the accent. I was dead-on with that one. ;-)

But I went on ignoring him for the first few days of our tour.

Pondering the mind-boggling beauty of Oz

Oh, and by the way, a cyclone was hitting the coast and so it was dumping rain on us this whole time. But it's Australia! And they don't let you care about that kind of thing! You just keep on going- and so you get wet? Who cares?!?! Well... me. I care. But there was no way I was going to let on. I just sucked it up and made everyone think I was a super-outdoorsy-kind-of-gal. (probably, in hindsight, that was a big mistake and a big let-down-waiting-to-happen for Mick.)

On day 3 of this tour the guides told us that usually at this point they have their groups hike about a kilometer and a half (no idea what that is in REAL measurement ;) to these really amazing waterfalls. But now, because of all the rain, that hike was completely underwater and was a flood plain... but the waterfalls would be just incredible. They thought it was still pretty shallow so we were just gonna hike through water.

Like you do.

And so off we went.
Hiking.
In a river.
And did I mention that Alexis went to college on a SWIM scholarship???

Does this look stupid to you? Yeah. Me too. NUTS!

The first thing I ever said to Mick was, "Um, excuse me. Are there crocodiles in this river ~~that I am standing in up to my waist like an idiot~~?" His answer? "Crocodiles aren't very good swimmers, so if there are they will just float past you. They can't swim against the current."

WHAT? IS? HE? TALKING? ABOUT????

I said (trying to laugh and be cool...), "Well, could a crocodile grab me and then keep floating? Ha ha ha ha ha!" He gave me a 'look' and a fake courtesy laugh and looked away.

I guess he felt sorry for me b/c a few minutes later he said, "Actually there are two kinds of crocodiles: salt water and fresh water. 'Salties' are dinosaurs- they will hunt you and eat you. 'Freshies' are all that are around here and 'Freshies' are just like fish." And I said back to him, "You know what else is 'just like a fish'? A SHARK. In fact, a shark IS a fish! You know what else is 'just like a fish'? A PIRANHA! A piranha IS ALSO a fish! YOU ARE NOT MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!!"

And again... the 'look' and the courtesy laugh and the looking away.

Obviously we were not off to a running start, so destiny had to step in and lend us a hand.

In the form of me drowning.

I'm not joking.

So we come to these places where it is too deep to keep walking. Remember- WE ARE IN A RIVER, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. So one of the guides swims a bit upstream and grabs a tree trunk and all the tourists swim to him as he helps them onto the next "bank". Well, Lex is gone. Swimmer, remember? And apparently all the Europeans were stellar swimmers too. And then there's me. I can swim. IN A POOL!!! But apparently NOT upstream in a CROC-INFESTED RIVER!!! But, like a huge dummy, I just try. And I find myself floating the wrong way. But my head is above water and I'm trying to play it cool. But inside I'm thinking, "so THIS is how I'm going to die..." The guide helping the swimmers yells, "Hey MICK! Go help that girl!!!" Which meant ME. So now the entire group is watching me as Mick swims out to RESCUE me and drag me up on to the next bank. It sounds very romantic, but everyone CLAPPED when we made it to shore, which meant that they thought they were going to see a DEATH and were relieved that they didn't have to watch me drown nor get eaten by a crocodile- so relieved that they had to CHEER. So I'm thinking it wasn't quite as romantic as it sounds.

But then??? I was smitten. I mean- good grief!!! He had saved my life!!! And he wasn't a jerk after all! And when I started drifting down stream again (two more times on the way to the falls!) he made sure HE was the one who was nearby so he could jump in and help me! Aaaaaahhhhh....

Alexis asked me if I was faking it. And I said, "Yes. I'm faking my death so that I can meet a guy. What? NO! I'm literally going to drown here and YOU are going to have to call my parents and tell them that I died b/c the handsome Aussie didn't rescue me one last time!!!" ;-)

So that was 3 rescues on the way to the waterfalls... and then we had to go back the way we came. So that's 3 more rescues. By the return trip I was just telling people, "You can go ahead and go in front of me. Apparently I need to wait for THAT guy." :-) And he told me later that he was strategically placing himself so that no one else would be near me when I needed help. We even joked with each other and the other tourists and guides, "Well, I guess this will make a good story to tell the grand-kids!"

And that, Jack, Ben and Avé, is How I Met Your Father.

Now, how I convinced him to leave Australia and come live in America... well... that will just have to wait for NaBloPoMo 2011. ;-)

How I Met Your Father, Part 2

2010-11-17T06:09:00.000-06:00

Taken at one of my student's
mountain villa. Mountain. Villa.

So there I was- living in paradise and teaching at this great school. We had lots of opportunities for travel and visited Bali on several occasions, as well as islands that are not as commercialized as Bali. Islands like Lombok and Sulawesi. (I stepped into a volcano on the northern tip of Sulawesi- but I stayed on the holiday and just made sure I went snorkeling every day so that the salt water could "clean" my burns. Smart, right? and I've got the scars to prove just how smart it was...)

A group of SPH teachers on a rainforest trek.
I'm in the pink jacket.

We also traveled a lot around Java- the island we lived on. I spent some time in Yogyakarta- the city near Mt. Merapi which is the volcano that has been erupting and causing so many problems for the people of Indonesia. Say a prayer for them today...

Hiking up a volcano

Lex and I in a beautiful rainforest

If you look on a map, Indonesia is the series of islands to the north of Australia. So of course we all wanted to visit there while we were living so close. I used my "summer" holiday to go to Australia for the first time, and I say "summer" in quotation marks because of course seasons are reversed in the southern hemisphere, so it was actually winter there. I traveled with two other teachers from my school (Sean and John) and we went to Sydney, the Red Centre, and Cairns on the Gold Coast (Great Barrier Reef area). It was an amazing trip!!! Really incredible to just travel all around this amazing and beautiful country- it has such a "wild" feeling about it- like it hasn't quite been tamed. We had a BLAST.

Lex and I hiking around Oz

It was such a great trip that I decided to go AGAIN with Alexis when we had our Christmas holiday. Alexis is quite the adventurer so we just decided to do the "outback" parts and leave out the cities entirely. So we booked ourselves on a couple of outback adventure tours where they cook your food over an open fire and you sleep outdoors in 'swags' and climb crazy stuff and hike in amazing places and everyday you just look around and can't believe how beautiful the land is. I had been on one of these tours already when I visited the Red Centre with Sean and John over the summer, but it was so incredible I was happy to do it again with Alexis.

With Stefan learning to play the dige

Side story: I wanted to buy a digeridoo while I was there this time- that's the Aboriginal instrument made from the trunk of a tree. It makes this incredible sound when you blow into it- almost unearthly. A group of guys from Switzerland were hanging around with us a the time, and one of them- Stefan- also wanted a digeridoo. So we went shopping together and even took lessons! At one point I was blowing into my dige without much success when I just decided to entertain myself by imitating those cough drop commercials where the dude in lederhosen blows into the big pipe/horn thing and it says, "Riiiiiiicolaaaaaaa!" Remember those? So I said that into my dige and then Stefan from Switzerland says to me, "Vat did you say?" And at first I just tried to laugh it off like it was nothing, but then I thought- wait! Aren't those cough drops supposed to be from the Alps or something??? So I told him what I said- "Um... I said 'Ricola', but I don't really know what it means..." Stefan told me that ricola is a word used for herbs that are good for your throat or for when you are sick... and I totally wigged out and told him about our commercial and he told me the name of that pipe/horn thingy... it was the weirdest moment between an American girl and a Swiss guy while in Australia... so crazy...

MICK!

So, Alexis and I hopped into a jeep/truck thingy on January 2nd, 1997 (see? I AM getting around to the real story here!) to travel up north to the tropical area where they filmed "Crocodile Dundee"- a film I remember seeing, but have no actual recollection as to anything about it other than the line: "now THAT'S a knife." As we got into the jeep I looked up to see a VERY good looking tour guide in the passenger seat up front. He had a great smile and green eyes and long, shaggy, surfer-blonde hair and he turned around and introduced himself to us by saying, "Hi. I'm Mick." And my first thought was... "I bet he is a really big jerk."

Because... really. Good-looking Australian tour guide? Please. I could just picture all the sweet European girls on his tours swooning over his accent and I decided then and there that I was going to ignore him. Because, you know. THAT will show him. (???)

Tune in next time for croc-infested waters and near-death experiences!

How I Met Your Father, Part 1

2010-11-16T07:36:00.000-06:00

I met Mick on January 2nd, 1997 while riding in a jeep/truck thingy through the Northern Territory in the Australian Outback. That is the absolute truth... but it does get stranger than fiction from here!

But before I can get to all that I need to explain what on earth I was doing in the southern hemisphere at all...

So... I was 26 years old and had been teaching 4th grade at Anderson Elementary for several years. I loved it... but I was getting a bit burned out. It was a tough school and although I loved teaching there and loved my students with all my heart, it was a big challenge and took a lot out of me every day. I needed a change. And then one morning my friend David Desmond (AKA: M!lo) called me at 5:30am to tell me that he had moved to Indonesia and had a job teaching 3rd grade at this amazing new school that looked like Club Med and that wanted English speaking teachers and I should fax my resumé, etc... etc... etc... I told him that I didn't know where Indonesia was and was he aware that there was a time difference??? But on the way to school that morning I told this story to my friend Tamara who I carpooled with and who taught music at my school. She also knew M!lo and so I told her all that he shared about how amazing this school was and how they were hiring and how we could get a job teaching five degrees below the equator and living in paradise. There was a lull in the conversation as we both contemplated the days (and the kids!) ahead of us... and (no lie!) she looked over at me and said, "I'll do it if YOU do it!"

And that's how I made the life-changing

decision to move overseas.

Sekolah Pelita Harapan in Karawaci
on the island of Java near Jakarta, Indonesia

But it turned out to be a fantastic decision! The school I taught at was AMAZING. Absolutely beautiful- 2 swimming pools, one "lagoon" style, one Olympic sized, and 4 outdoor basketball courts where we played roller hockey- taught by all the Canadian teachers, of course! The "hallways" were "breezeways" and it was just way too incredible and beautiful for my limited writing abilities to describe. And the students were just precious and SO. FREAKING. SMART. I taught 3rd grade and my students spoke 3 languages: Bahasa Indonesia, English and Mandarin. Yeah. I felt like a moron. Teachers came from all over: Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and of course us Yanks. The students adopted whatever accent their teacher had and so it was so funny to see the kids speaking with an American English accent vs. a New Zealand English accent. One day my student Ketty came up to me with a stricken look on her face and asked me, "Miss Gayla... why when Mr. Michael want to say 'today', he always say 'to DIE'???" And I very calmly told her that Mr. Michael was from Australia and that meant that he didn't speak English very well. ;-)

A few of my students:
Sharonne, Laura, Dismas and Andrew

So the job was incredible but the perks it came with were even better. The school set us up with housing and of course the house we lived in had it's own maids quarters so of course we HAD A MAID! My two housemates and I (Tamara, mentioned above and Alexis- TOO much fun we had!) "shared" her and paid her a measly $75 per month which we were told was a bit lavish at the time. I lived there for two years and seriously couldn't tell you where our maid bought our food, nor how she cooked it, nor the process used to clean up after us. She washed and ironed all our clothes, made our beds, kept the house spotless, bought, prepared, and cleaned up all our food, and took letters to the post office for us each day. OH- and since I brought my cat with me (that's a whole 'nuther blog post) she changed Miles' litter box. Aaaaaaaahhhhh... my life was so easy...

This is MILES. I loved him so much
that I took him overseas with me!

Okay... so where were we???? Oh, yeah... living in paradise with someone waiting on me hand and foot, that's right.

All these words and I'm still in Indonesia- not even in Australia yet! So we're gonna call this 'Part 1' and call it a day. Tune in tomorrow to hear about shopping with the Swiss and saying "Riiiiiiicolaaaaaaaaa" while blowing into a digeridoo.

Sampai jumpa nanti! (Bahasa Indonesia for: "see you later"- Yes! I can speak Indonesian! And dang it! It NEVER comes in handy...)

A Podcast and a Promise

2010-11-15T08:43:00.000-06:00

Guess what? Two friends and I are starting a podcast! My friends Kaysie and Kelly and I decided we needed a creative outlet and also wanted a forum to discuss mommy / parenting / marriage / women issues, so we decided that we would get together and host these conversations. We are interested in creating a community where women can:

Share stories

Laugh a little

Ask questions

Get answers
Debate ideas

Be inspired

Inspire others

Identify w/ others in same season of life

and most of all, learn that we are not alone!

We recorded our first episode last night and had a blast doing it! It will be ready for listening enjoyment sometime soon. We are calling it "Three Moms and a Podcast" and soon we will be on iTunes ready for downloading, and we will soon have a Facebook Group for people to join as well where they can write in their questions and participate in discussions. I'll let you know when it is up and running. Tune in and let me know what you think!

The MOMS from "Three Moms and a Podcast"
Kelly, Kaysie, and Gayla

And now for the promise. Several of you have asked to hear the story of how Mick and I met, and so tomorrow you will be able to read that story. Well, Part 1 of that story anyway. I found that in order to put it in proper context I needed to tell a few other stories as well. I PROMISE you won't be bored!

Belated...

2010-11-14T08:30:00.003-06:00

...but worth the wait.

Brown Princess

2010-11-13T08:30:00.003-06:00

A friend gave us this fun princess dress. Av loves it, but when she put it on,

I instantly decided to make a change. See what you think:

Before:

After:

What a difference a Sharpie or two makes! ;-)

I think it looks a lot better, don't you?

The Formula for Raising Happy, Healthy, Well-Adjusted Adoptees

2010-11-12T08:42:00.001-06:00

When I was pregnant with my oldest son I read everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING!) that I could get my hands on in regards to pregnancy and parenting. One book in particular was all the rage at the time and so I consumed it- highlighted, flagged, underlined, turned down the page edges! The people who recommended it to me were either parents already (and ones I highly respected), or had just had their first baby and found it very useful. I took the book's message to heart and planned to fully apply it's teachings when Jack was born.

The thing is... it didn't work. None of it. Not. At. All. In fact, it made me AND Jack MISERABLE!!! I was so unhappy in my first few weeks of being a mommy, and it was mostly because of trying to follow the formula laid out in this book. You see, this book told me that if I did A, B and C then my child would sleep like a baby (pun intended). And this book also basically implied that if I did NOT follow their advice and do A, B and C then, you know- just sign your child up for "juvie" now!!! This book likes to scream, "YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!!" and make you terrified that you are going to ruin your child's life before it even gets started!!!

So finally I did what I should have done from the start and I threw that freaking book away and started listening to Jack and trying to meet his needs instead of trying to fit him into a formula. And he almost instantly started sleeping through the night.

And you know what's funny? When Ben was born he spent a week in the NICU b/c he was a bit premature. By the time I got him home I just decided that he could do whatever he wanted b/c I hadn't been able to hold him and take care of him for a whole week- so if he wanted to eat every 15 minutes then I was going to do it and enjoy doing it! And if I wanted to rock him to sleep and let him take his ENTIRE nap in my arms, then by golly I was gonna do it. I would listen to my CHILD and let HIM tell me what he needed! (all of those things were practically forbidden by this un-wise baby book. ) And you know what Ben did? He fit himself perfectly into the formula that that book was recommending!!!! With absolutely zero effort from me, he put himself on a regular schedule and started sleeping through the night when he had only been home for a month.

Am I saying that there is no need to read pregnancy and parenting books? Of course not. That would be ridiculous. There is so much wisdom and insight to be gained from reading great information. Am I even saying that this particular book is crap? No. For ME it was crap, but I do know that many people feel it really helped them.

I love knowledge and it's always handy when something comes up in parenting and you can think, "I think I read about something like this somewhere..." It's good to have all that info stored in your back pocket should the need arise. We just can't make the mistake of thinking that if we apply all the FORMULAS we read it is going to make for children and lives with no (or even fewer) problems. It may mean that we are better prepared to handle these problems, though. Or it may not.

While we were in the adoption process I again read everything I could get my hands on. Some of it scared the $#*@ out of me, but I made myself read (most) of it anyway b/c you just never know what you are going to face. MUCH of it has turned out to be incredibly helpful and I'm so thankful that I read it all. Some things have not been applicable to our situation (and I am NOT blowing smoke here or writing a "perfectly false" blog- it is what it is and so don't read all this and think that I'm lying. Because that's rude. And I'm not. That was all to make you laugh, Jamey. ;-) but I'm still glad I read it all. I like information. I like to know the possibilities. But I've also learned a few things along my journey. And the main thing I have learned is that:

THERE IS NO FORMULA.

It's so tempting to think that there IS. And maybe that would be nice. We could believe that:
-If I send my kids to private school they will/won't ___________
-If I send my kids to Christian school they will/won't _________
-If I send my kids to public school they will/won't ___________
-If I homeschool my kids they will/won't _____________
-If I talk to my kids about ___________ they will/won't _______
-If I do/don't let my kids watch/listen to/be exposed to _________ they will/won't ________
-If I do everything just right my kids will turn out perfect and won't struggle with their identity and who they are supposed to be in this world.

But it just really doesn't work that way.

There just isn't a formula. Not for bio kids, not for adopted kids. If there were a formula and it cost $500,000 I would buy it. I'm serious. NOTHING I have ever or WILL ever do is as important to me as raising my kids. But there just isn't a formula. There are generalizations that may apply and there is wisdom to be gained from those who have gone before, but there just isn't any formula that is going to guarantee that our kids are going to turn out okay. There just isn't.

Because every single situation is unique. Every. Single. One. Because every single human being is unique and no two people are going to handle even similar situations in the same way. For example: a child who had lived Avé's life in Ethiopia SHOULD have food issues. Most kids from the same situation do. But she does not. Why? No idea. But she doesn't. I'm glad I educated myself on what to do if she had, but she doesn't.

My friend and fellow blogger asked me a good question yesterday: "How do you think Avé will feel as she ages being the only child of color in your family if you don't adopt again?" And the answer is:

I really don't know.

From what I've read on many adult adoptee blogs and in adult adoptee interviews, it's a fact that MANY adult adoptees said it meant a lot to them to have a sibling that looked like them, or conversely that it bothered them that they didn't. How will Avé feel if she ends up being the only person of color in our family? Chances are she will feel the same as others in her same situation have felt. And that does worry me. I truly want to do all I can to give her everything she needs to be successful in life. And it's very easy for me to become fearful of screwing up or just blowing it.

But does that mean that I should adopt again out of FEAR for what will happen if I don't? Anything that is motivated by fear is not ever going to be the right choice. Please hear me- I am NOT saying that anyone who adopts a second (or third, or 10th) child is doing it out of fear for what the first one will feel like if they don't. I'm just saying that for ME and for OUR family I'm going to do my best to NOT do ANYTHING motivated by fear. Because that is something that is very easy for me to fall into and it always gets me into trouble.

And that is why I stopped reading a lot of adult adoptee blogs. Because they created fear in me- fear that "YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG" just like the bad baby book used to- or even worse: "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS TO BEGIN WITH AND SHE'S GOING TO HATE YOU FOR IT!" It's not that what they have to say is invalid. It's just that I don't have to listen to people who are in the process of working out their issues. YES- I want to do a good job. But I would rather get my information in a way that doesn't make me feel fearful in the process.

Not every adoptee feels the same. Some adult adoptees REALLY DO feel special and chosen. Really. All their lives. Others live lives that are crippled by their sense of loss. Some kids should have food issues and don't. Some do even thought their situations may not have been as extreme as others who ended up not having issues at all. And so what we can glean from all this is simply that there is no formula. We can read, we can educate ourselves, we can get all that good information and let it be there for us when we need it.

But most of all we can just listen to our kids and be and do what they need us to be and do.

Adopt Again?

2010-11-11T09:00:00.006-06:00

Laura left a question for me the other day:

"I want to know if you would ever consider adopting another child?"

Great question, Laura! And thanks for asking. (I would love to "link" you, but you didn't link yourself! Feel free to let us know where you blog (if you want to) in the comments!)

So- would I adopt again?

Quick answer: Sure!

More thought out answer: Probably not.

Real answer: No idea...

Avé asked me the other day, "Why we have no baby in this family?" I tried to answer her by saying, "We DO have a baby in this family- YOU! YOU are my baby!" But she wasn't buying it. She said she was a "BIG GIRL!" and asked again why we don't have a baby in this family.

Well, I do NOT plan on having any more babies- meaning pregnancies. I'm no spring chicken, you know! But would I adopt again? Yes. Absolutely. On one condition.

I would have to really feel like God was asking us to do so.

That's my condition. That's it. If that's where He leads, we would be foolish not to follow. I mean, when I try to imagine our lives without Avé... well... it just seems so sad! It just seems like we would be missing out on so much!!! And I've shared before that the reason we decided to adopt in the first place is because over 9 years ago I felt God drop the idea in my heart.

But for the moment I am not feeling led in that direction. I did ask Av if she thought we should adopt a "baby" from Ethiopia and she said, "Yes." (I would rather adopt an older child- toddler or above- rather than a baby. Just FYI.) I asked if she thought we should adopt a brother or a sister and she said, "Brother." I told her, "You know that 'sister' means girl and 'brother' means boy, right? So would you want a brother-boy, or a sister-girl?" and again she said, "Brother." Hmmmm...

I told her, "Well... go tell Daddy!" :-)

Keep the questions coming! Feel free to ask anything you like.

Vlog #1

2010-11-10T08:59:00.000-06:00

Okay, keep those ideas and comments coming in b/c it's really helping me to focus and to choose what is important to write about! For today- this one is for Heidi who said she really liked seeing and hearing us on the video the other day and asked for more. I got two of my kids out of the bath last night and spontaneously decided to make a little video clip with them. They are wet and in jammies (or... not... in Ben's case...) but it was spur of the moment and a lot of fun.

Still... I may want to plan it out a little better next time... I dunno. But nevertheless! Meet me and my youngest two kids and see for yourself how quickly everything goes in a direction that was completely unexpected!!! Sums up my life...

You ASKED! and I'll answer eventually...

2010-11-09T09:15:00.009-06:00

I loved the questions that popped up when I asked what YOU wanted to read on here. And if you haven't chimed in yet, feel free! Just jot a note in the comments letting me know something that you are curious about or just a random question you would like to have answered or a topic you would like to see covered. So far, here's what I'm working on as per your requests:

1. How did Mick and I meet? (several requests for this one...)
2. "A Day in the Life" (although this one might bore you to death depending on the day!)
3. Would we ever consider adopting again?
4. Reactions from others when we are out as a transracial family

and others I am working on...

5. Grieving - want to be sensitive to Avé's story on this, but want to share about what we have been going through as well. Still figuring out how to do this...
6. Sibling adjustment (so far)
7. Writing an Adoption Lifebook
8. More about reading blogs from adult adoptees
9. My opinion on the "colorblind" issue

I know, I know... pins and needles, right???

I'm gonna start working my way through these, but I'm gonna need more input! So... give me a topic or ask me some questions! This NaBloPoMo thing isn't going to write itself!!!

Africa Around Our Necks

2010-11-08T10:22:00.001-06:00

You know what continually amazes me about blogging? I am amazed by the fact that although we may never meet face to face, although we may never "really" know each other in "real" life, we have a VERY REAL community going on here. I know that I have felt the love when I have needed it desperately and I hope that I have been able to give a little in return.

My blogging friend Deena totally surprised me a couple of weeks ago when a package arrived for Avé and I just in time for our birthdays! This is what we found inside:

Deena is making these super fun necklaces and key chains to raise money for an orphanage in Africa- and they are adorable!!! I've already purchased several items and hidden them away to give my kids as stocking stuffers. 100% of the proceeds will benefit the Love in Action Orphanage. Isn't that great? I just love it. And I love that Deena and her daughter Grace (AKA Avé's twin!) were so kind and thoughtful as to send these great necklaces to us for our birthday! Amazing!!!

Go to Deena's blog right now and order some of these fun items! (I stole this pic right off her blog w/o asking! Sorry!)

Avé wanted to say THANKS to Grace- but she got camera shy when I started filming. Well, not shy exactly, more like "camera goofy". Her language skills are actually much better than what is demonstrated in this short video, but here is her thanks- just as it came out today!

Thank you Deena and Grace.

And thank you blogging for bringing all of us together.

Dedication Day

2010-11-07T17:22:00.000-06:00

Avé was dedicated at BC today. Out of the 4 kids dedicated in our service, 3 of them were adopted! Pretty special. Especially considering it is Orphan Sunday AND National Adoption Month.

My happy little flower.

Somebody LOOOOOVES her Auntie Kelly!

I could tell Kelly was asking Avé if she wanted to let ME hold her...
and I could tell she was saying, "Ummm... No." ;-)

Auntie Kelly and Uncle Gyle- so special to us!!!

And so great that we got to be dedicated at the
same time as the Bucks- a family we ADORE!

Pastor Rog even got her to say her name into the microphone.
Now, how many kids do THAT on their Dedication Day? ;-)

My church family praying for my sweet girl.

Does this one really need a caption??? ;-)

Closest we have to a family photo from today.

A sweet and happy day.

Go Ahead and ASK.

2010-11-06T16:07:00.000-05:00

It's Day 6 of NaBloPoMo and I really don't have anything to write about today. No- that's only partly true. I do have things I want to write about, I just don't think I have the mental energy to tackle them today. This daily blogging thing could get to be a challenge if it's only day six and I'm already struggling!!!

So... let me ask YOU. What would YOU like to see on here?

Is there something you have wondered about any of us over here at "3 Continents... 1 Family"?

Is there a question that has been burning in your soul?

Or maybe just one that you made up just now?

Either way- jot it down in the comments and I'll see if I can answer it. It can be adoption related, parenting related, personal, or on any subject you choose. But just be forewarned... If you ask about the absolute WORST thing I ever did in college, you WILL be disappointed. ;-)

A Mac for Mick

2010-11-05T07:26:00.000-05:00

I know what I'm getting my husband for Christmas.

An iPad.

Now, if you don't know my husband you probably just thought, "Oh, okay. That's nice." But if you do know my husband you probably just thought, "Whaaaa??? That is ridiculous!!! You're just buying that for YOURSELF, Gayla!!!" Because Mick is probably the LEAST tech-savvy person you have ever met in your life. Really. His phone doesn't take pictures and he has never sent a text message. And doesn't plan on it. He can email, but if he has to send an attachment I have to show him how to do it every. single. time.

So why would I buy him an iPad? There are a few good reasons.
1. His desktop computer is a dinosaur and sooooooooooooooo ridiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiculously sloooooooooooow that it makes me want to scream.
2. I don't want to spend the money to buy him another desktop nor a laptop right now.
3. I'm tired of him wanting to borrow my macbook all the time.

If I buy him an iPad he can spend hours looking up all the things he likes to look up on the internet every night. Things like green building techniques, rammed earth houses, solar heating, water conservation, and how to build your own canoe out of a solid pine log.

Yes, I am married to the Australian Grizzly Adams. We are, as the Aussies say, "Chalk and Cheese," which means that we are total opposites. There are honestly times when we look at each other and say, "How on earth did we end up together?" But together we are. And if the apocalypse ever happens, all you need to do is get yourself out to our land in Skiatook and Mick will have us all taken care of. He'll be growing our vegetables and hunting deer, building everyone cabins out of dirt and putting up windmills to get water out of the ground. I'm not even joking.

But he won't be looking up more information on how to do those things on my macbook. Not after Christmas, anyway. ;-)

Throwback Thursday

2010-11-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

Is that a bird sitting on my head?

Halloween '10

2010-11-03T07:32:00.000-05:00

So... she was Spiderman for her school party, but for the actual Trick-or-Treating she decided to go with...

drumroll please...

A dinosaur!!!

A dang cute dinosaur, but a pre-historic reptile, none-the-less.

"Mommy! Do I look SCAWY???"

So, let's just keep it between us that it looks like
I painted a butterfly on her face. K?

And next, of course, there is Lord Vader.

I wish you could see how serious
his face is behind that mask.

If you are feeling asthmatic, it's because Darth Vader
is using his "Force Choke" on you right now.

Jack was struggling b/c he couldn't find the vampire teeth he wanted to use to be a bat or a zombie or a (huh?) vampire, so I had to punt for him at the last minute. Someone told me about this idea and it seemed fun and easy. He's a Windy Day.

The costume is fun... but I think it's his facial expressions that
really make it work. Where DOES he get that expressiveness from???

I wondered if Avé would really understand what was going on, but really... what's NOT to understand about walking up to people's houses and getting candy? Like everything else she has been introduced to, she just accepts all this new craziness as her new normal and goes with the flow! It was a fun night, but as always, now I am left with a problem...

How do I steal ALL the Butterfingers out of my kids' bags w/o them getting wise?

Advice???

Book Character Day

2010-11-02T07:54:00.000-05:00

...also known as the school's excuse to let the kids dress up but keep it educational. ;-)

So last Friday my boys dressed as Brian Robeson- the boy in the wonderful book Hatchet. (if your kids haven't read it- get it! they will love it. especially boys.) I've never created an easier costume. Wear your regular clothes- something you would wear outdoors- and I'll just make a hatchet from cardboard and aluminum foil. Yeah!!!

So for all these years I've been dressing Cowboys, Dinosaurs, Dragons, Zombies, Bats, Aboriginals, Punk Rockers, Super Heros, Dogs, and other random scary beasts and monsters... and then THIS YEAR!!!! This year I have a GIRL to dress!!! So! Fun!

Avé didn't have Book Character Day, she just had a straight up Halloween party at her school.

And she decided to go as.... SPIDERMAN!!! Can you believe it??? My first year w/ a daughter and she just wants to be one of the boys. Oh, well. She sure is an adorable Spidey!!!! I even tried to pitch Spidergirl or Spiderlady or Spiderwoman... NOPE. She was having none of it. A little sparkley spider web drawn on her face? NO. Just Spiderman.

She was determined to get that Spidey finger move down, wasn't she?

I think it just reflects that she really loves, admires and respects her brothers and wants THEIR approval over anyone else.

So... maybe next year I'll get her to be Fraulein Maria. ;-)

It's NaBloPoMo, People!!!

2010-11-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

That's right! It's National Blog Posting Month! Which means you have to (if you wanna) (and if you have time) (and if you can think of something interesting to say)... you have to post something each day for a month. Wanna give it a whirl with me? I've never done it before and I've been blogging for, geesh... 5 years now, I think! (started over on Xanga...)

I like being organized, but I don't thrive on it. So if I actually post something every day it will be a wonder. But I may as well give it a shot! Who's with me???

(so this counts for today's post. i'm saving halloween pix for tomorrow so that it will count for day 2! ;-)

Birthday Guesses... or Wishes...

2010-10-28T20:56:00.001-05:00

(first time EVER to post 3x's in one day!)

So, the cast of The Sound of Music was on Oprah today in honor of the birthday of myself and my daughter. (NICE of them, right???) And earlier in the week I attended The Sound of Music Sing-A-Long w/ some great friends where WE were DEFINITELY heard singing in the Abbey! ;-) So all of these elements have combined to make this a GREAT birthday week!

But...

Today while watching the cast of TOSM on Oprah Avé turned to me and said,

"I guess Maria could be my Mommy."

She uses "guess" when what she means is "wish." So, yeah. She wishes Maria was her Mommy. And I'm not even offended! Because- Hey! I wish Julie Andrews was MY mommy too!!! She is a GODDESS!!! (and did you know that SHE is also an adoptive mom???) What a rock star.

And I'll close with some pix of the Birthday Girls before we went out to dinner tonight:

Happiness.

The Sound of Music meets Beauty and the Beast - observations of a 4 year old

2010-10-28T12:08:00.001-05:00

I gave Avé a copy of Beauty and the Beast for her (our) birthday today and we just finished watching it together a few minutes ago.

Here is a direct quote from her during the movie:

"Mommy, Belle is like a 'other Maria. And Beast is like the Captain when he was grouchy before he 'came nice."

Amazing. My daughter is a genius. She "gets" it. She "gets" so much. And I "get" her.

My heart is so full and happy. I wish I could just stay in this moment forever...

My B-Day!

2010-10-28T07:33:00.000-05:00

OH! MY! GOSH!

My friend Sohailah dedicated an entire blog post to ME in honor of my birthday today!

So check it out if you want to see pix of a MUCH younger me and read a few crazy stories from my youth. Thanks, Soh, for the shout out!!!